Thursday, February 28

Mike: 'Scuse me for a sec, I've gotta take a shit.
Liam: ...Whose??
-A terrible misinterpretation
University of Leeds

"But I thought softcore meant you didn't see penis.... How do you have sex without seeing penis?!"
-Ashley, when asked if she's had hardcore sex
University of Nebraska, Omaha

"I never want to grow up, so I can understand the youth and... what they're up to.... wait, what was I talking about? Something about me drinking... Oh! I remember! It was about you drinking!!"
-Professor Kelly, on when a problem is a problem
Franciscan University

"Now I might have to pay a guy to, essentially, whack my kid."
-Mike, on an unwanted pregnancy
University of Leeds

Betzy: Up and at 'em!
Dave: Who's Adam?!
-Paranoid boyfriend in the morning
SUNY Brockport

"My eyebrow's itchy so I'm gonna go do something."
-Tessa, on logical solutions while stoned
College of William and Mary

Anna: Apparently I'm an "alcoholic."
Claire: Well, you were just released from the hospital because of alcohol and right now you are walking around campus drunk in a hospital gown without anything underneath.
Anna: So?
-Good point
Regis University

Wednesday, February 27

Joe: Why do girls' nipples go hard in cold weather?
Gemma: Because they don't stay hard like guys' do, and they only go hard when they are cold and a girl is havin' them played with.
Joe: Yeah, but I don't get a boner in cold weather.
Jack: Dicks are sensible and tuck themselves in from the weather.
-Advantage, men
King Edwards VI School

Chris: I am what you would call a survivalist. I live by my wits alone.
John: ...You are eating McDonald's and drinking bourbon, how is that by your wits alone?
Chris: My wits made me kill a man for these things...
-Hopefully your wits also know a good lawyer
Kauai Community College

Samantha: That's so fucked up, you can't get a boner when you're 9.
Steven: Uhhhh....how many 9-year-olds are you trying to give a boner to?
-The secret slips out, after hearing on Loveline that a guy lost his virginity at age 9
University of Southern California

"Somebody talk. Please.... Not you, not you, maybe you...'cause you're high, and you're doing that annoying shit, and you're not paying attention...you two don't talk...I guess it should be me."
-Rachel, pointing around the room during an awkward stoned silence
College of William and Mary

"No one could answer problem two correctly. I haven't seen a disaster like that since 9/11."
-Professor Acar, in need of an adjustment to his scale of severity
University of Missouri - Rolla

Tom: Billy!!
Billy: Yeah?
Tom: Word.
-Breaking the stoned silence, part 2
University of Maine - Orono

"See that's why I drink Sam Adams. I see all the work that they put into their beer on the commercials and I feel like it is my responsibility for rewarding that hard work by drinking their beer."
-Claire, on beer loyalty
Regis University

Tuesday, February 26

Becca: This guy was saving bodies and burying them three to a coffin. How did he only end up with 11 months in jail?
Professor H: Well, he would be guilty of fraud...but if he was having sex with the bodies, we have another problem to deal with.
-Professor H, quick to call out the necrophiliacs
Southern Methodist University

"I'm not sure if I'd use the example of babies though. I'm pretty sure everyone knows a gay baby when they see one."
-Professor Kevin, on why commercials using babies are rife for queer readings
University of Iowa

A: So I was taking my Spanish vocab test today and the matching section went great. Then I got to the fill in the blank paragraph and it was kinda hard...
S: Oh, was it kinda ambiguous?
A: No, but it was really vague...
-Spanish Vocab 1, English Vocab 0
University of California, Irvine

"If you tell a fat chick she's pretty, 9 times outta 10 you get your dick sucked."
-Austin, on tried and true collegiate probabilities
University of Arizona

Austin: If I had my legs amputated, I would definitely go for the wheelchair.
Tanya: Ohhh...you could fuck me with your stubs...
-Looking on the...bright side?
San Joaquin Delta College

Lizzie: Bekah, where's the jime room?
Bekah: What the hell is the jime room?
Lizzie: I don't know, it says one of my classes is there.
Bekah: ....That says "gym."
-First day of term, starting off on the wrong foot
Egglescliffe College

Shep: Give me a beer... God damn it, where's my mailbox key?
Katherine: Shep, this isn't exactly a great time to check your mail.
-Oh yeah, there ARE other uses for a key...
College of William and Mary