Friday, September 14

Laura: I finally have proof that God doesn't exist!
K: Oh yeah? What is it?
Laura: Male nipples! Why would God give men nipples??
K: I dunno. He probably wanted to see titties, and accidentally had a gay
thought.
-While watching porn
Radford University

"I have 5 pages to write and I have no idea what to write and it's creative
writing. So I'm thinking I could just smoke a bowl and see what comes to
me. Why not dude? It would be inspirational. I always have fun thoughts
while I'm high. I'll write it after the other two papers, which is good because
that will be right about dinner time."
-On the paper that never got finished
Nazareth College of Rochester

Scott: Hey Lex what is the difference between a gangster and a thug?
Lex: Well a gangster is actually in a gang and a thug just looks like he is in a
gang but really isn't.
Scott: Okay, I get it now.
Lex: You just asked me that because I am from Memphis didn't you?
Scott: Yep.
-Using regional experts to your advantage
University of Tennessee-Knoxville

Kyle: Ugh... Natives. I get a little tired of hearing about thier plight.
Jody: They should just get on a boat and go home.
Kyle: Exactly.
-No place like home
University of Waterloo

J.C.: Hey, let's write a song about that gay friend who refuses to come out of
the closet.
Korey: Not it!
J.C.: Not it!
Jared: Hey, fuck you guys!
-Making plans for the weekend
University of Northern Iowa

Tony B: You listen to Hard Rock, right?
K Si: Yeah....
Tony B: Well I listen to Hard Rap. If there ain't someone gettin' shot, I don't
wanna listen to it.
-Tony, gangsta gangsta
Joliet Junior College

Steve: Oh yeah, baby. If the aliens ever come you're gonna volunteer to be
abducted cause you like it in the ass don't you baby?
Raelle: Okay, that's it. Take it out. You know, I was down for the whole anal
experimentation thing, but then you go and say something fucked up like
that.
-What not to say in bed
Kwantlen University College

Cristina: So here is my new roommate's Facebook profile.
Cristina's Stepmom: It says she's into men! That's just wonderful.
Lauren: Would you rather she be interested in women?!?
-Striking down the sarcasm
Christopher Newport University

Monty: Oh damn, look at her! I must say, I love a girl with freckles.
Nick: I wish I could find a girl that liked freckles. This sounds weird but I need
a female you.
Monty: Fuck that. She'd be a huge slut.
-On problems with the switcheroo
Texas Tech University

Kyle: So I guess pregnancy is a condensation reaction.
Jody: What?!
Kyle: Well you add a bunch of products together and you get a baby and,
well, water.... Isn't that the definition of a condensation reaction?
Jody: Unbelievable.
-On the miracle of life
University of Waterloo

Thursday, September 13

"The soul is like an appendix: you don't really need it and when it's finally gone you don't really miss it."
-Alex, on the status of his afterlife
Grand Valley State University

Eric: Wow those are the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen!
Corey: Dude those are frogs...
-On drunken perception
Michigan State University

Professor: Columbus thought the world was...?
Amanda: ...Flat?
-Rewriting history, one answer at a time
University of New England

Vikki: ...He was like, my number is 80, and she was like, well mine is 856-321.... It was so funny. I almost cried myself to sleep right there in the hallway.
Adrienne: Wait...what?
Vikki: Well I was laughing so hard I was crying...then I got really tired.
Adrienne: I'm sending that to PIC. You're stupid.
-On mixed emotions
Rowan University

Professor: I always liked Marlow better than Shakespeare. Honestly, I never really liked Shakespeare.
Blake: Why? Did he write something mean in your high school yearbook?
Professor: Okay, that was funny, I'll give you that. Now leave.
-Mocking the incredibly old professor
University of Kentucky

"We're excluding certain larval stages... like mosquito larvae for example, they have basically gills that are extensions of the rectal membranes. So what they do is sit there at the surface of the water with their asses up in the air and they open up their little assholes and they breathe through their assholes! That's literally what they do! So we're excluding them..."
-Boring Professor, spicing up animal physiology for a moment
SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry

K Si: Yeah, there's enough toilet paper in there to drown a moose.
Cin: (blank stare)
K Si: What?
Cin: HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING CANADIAN BEER?!!
-K Si, a hoser through and through
Joliet Junior College

Will: I thought you were a vegetarian.
Amy: I make an exception for Dicks.
Will: I'll be quoting that later.
-Amy, on what meat passes her lips
Everett Community College

Megan: Robert, we are dirty sluts.
Robert: No, we're tramps with a touch of class.
Megan: Yes! I feel better.
-Robert, building up by tearing down
Western Kentucky University

"Don't touch me there you filthy communist whore!"
-Perry, sleep-talking in his sister's bed after a long night of drinking
Texas State University

Tuesday, September 11

"Somewhere, out there, there's a word that isn't plural."
-Ryan, after seeing a girl walk by with the letter 'S' painted on her stomach during a football game
Appalachian State University

Josh: I just ate another saammich.
Mo: And clogged your bowels for yet another go round on the now seat of doom.
Josh: More or less. Praying to the Porcelain God.
Mo: I dare you to make a human sacrifice.
-Take that spaghetti monster
New River Community College

"You're Jewish? Well, I'm black. We have to have minority babies!"
-Random girl at party to Bob
Genesee Community College

"If you receive oral from a puppet, is it really just a hand job?"
-Kat, while watching The Muppet Christmas Carol
Fullerton Community College

Kat: I need a woman who is willing to act out a lesbian scene and doesn't mind drinking wine and going to 2nd or even possibly 3rd base in front of 21 people.
Matt: I'll do it!
Kat: Matt, this is a lesbian scene.
Matt: What's your point?
-Trying to get in on that
Fullerton Community College

"You're here to make money so you can drive in your big car with your air-conditioned windows!"
-Professor Campbell, on the finer things in life
University of the West Indies

"I looked at the cheese and I thought that, you know, I should become a botanist. So you see, cheese can change your life."
-Sheena, on inspirational aging
University of the West Indies

Professor W: So what do you think are some problems of having the longest penis in the world?
(long silence)
Scotty: Shorts.
-During a lengthy discussion
Indiana University

Nic: I'm going to worry about you while I'm gone.
Sam: You're going to worry about me? You're the one that's going to be getting shot at!
Seb: Don't worry Nic, I'll be here, I'll take care of her for you.
Nic: Oh you will, will you?
Seb: Wait!! No, that didn't come out right!
-On Nic's departure for Iraq
SUNY Potsdam

Nic: I'm gonna make a mold of my dick for you to use while I'm gone! It'll be awesome!
Sam: What? Thanks?
Nic: Hey, if anything, you can bring it downstairs and hit Seb with it while he's sleeping and tell him "Nic sent that to you from Iraq!"
Seb: Or you could just send it to me, and I can use it, and then I'll give it to her.
Nic: What the hell?! First you say you'll take care of her while I'm gone," now you're saying you'll give it to her?? Why don't you just come out and say "Hey Nic, the night after you leave, I'm gonna fuck the hell out of her!"?
-On further miscommunication and homemade dildos in the absence of a fiancée for 15 months
SUNY Potsdam