Thursday, October 25

S: Can we make cookies for extra credit?
Professor C: The only think you can bake for extra credit are pot brownies. (Whole class laughs) ...It amazes me that I still have a job.
-On the GPA highway
University of Illinois

Professor Lynn: Cody, could you please answer the question.
Cody: Sir, I'm not gonna lie, I don't even know what fucking class this is.
-On wrong answers
Zane State College

"They're paying for a transportation expense that wasn't incurred. Sort of like a phantom."
-Professor Cooper, waving his hands in an attempt to keep the Halloween spirit
Michigan State University

"HIV and herpes terrify me. I mean, we have a cure for babies, but not a cure for HIV or herpes. ...Please don't quote me on this when we get to abortions in philosophy."
-Yasemin, on her broken moral compass
Wagner College

Rachel: So he likes fat chicks?
Colin: I don't know if he likes them, but he sure brought back a lot of them.
-Colin, on his (now former) roommate
University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh

Carley: Oh my god! That goes up your vagina?!
Jessie: (after bending over) What? My thong?
Carley: No, Jessie....definitely not your thong.
-Carley, watching a yeast infection commercial
Appalachian University

(Elliott returns from a phone conversation with his girlfriend)
Peter: Did you tell her I love her?
Elliott: Umm...no.
Peter: Did you tell her YOU love her?
Elliott: Uh, yeah.
Peter: How is THAT fair?
-On reasonable expectations
University of California at Santa Cruz

Elliott: Man, all the guys this girl has dated in the past must have been IDIOTS. She's so easy to impress, it's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Peter: Yeah, with a shotgun.
Elliott: ...
Peter: And no water.
-On logical analogies
University of California at Santa Cruz

"I'm gonna cut you with my dildo!"
-Tessa, on roommate rivalries (and self S&M?)
College of William & Mary

"Let's have an ugly face contest. Turn around. Okay, 1, 2, 3! "
-Elissa, on real sorority life (sorry, no naked pillow fights)
University of Maryland

Wednesday, October 24

"Hey, it's not like bobbing for apples. You can use your hands as much as you want. "
-Scott, giving crucial blowjob tips to his girlfriend
Bowling Green State University

Emily: Do you know if he is seeing anyone?
Mark: He is currently having relations with larger women.
Emily: oh.
-On the availability of a guy
Southern Methodist University

"Terrorist is such a harsh word. I think we should call these people explosive extremist. "
-Munk, explaining politically correct terminology
Utica College

Professor M: Let's say you're weird, so you raise your Himalayan rabbits in a refrigerator.
Alex: Why? Then you can't pet them!
-On rabbit raising
Purdue University

"Flex your muscles! Harry Potter would!"
-Hirata, on the wrong way to convince a boy to show off his guns
University of Maryland

"This is so boring, it's like watching ice grow."
-Brent, watching baseball, surprisingly sober
Muhlenberg College

Stripper: Either of you guys want a lap dance?
Kevin: No thanks.
Crosby: Did she really have to rub my belly as she said that?
Kevin: She rubbed your belly? She rubbed my crotch!
Crosby: ...That makes me feel worse!
-Crosby, being degraded by a stripper
University of Nevada Las Vegas

C: I only need one required class and then I have to fill the rest of my schedule with other things. I'm thinkin' about taking the wine tasting class.
J: You should take Meat Processing.
C: Why would I take that, is that really a class?
J: Dude it's butchering, how to cut meat...think of all the steaks you would get.
C: I never have anything I need to cut up, I don't do enough killin'.
-On fending for yourself
Washington State University

Police Officer: Excuse me sir are you buying drugs?
Rex: No sir I'm not drying bugs.
-Buying isn't the same as using
Northern Illinois University

"I fucking hate my lip! I bite it one time and now people are asking if I got punched, but after last Friday I don't know if I did or not."
-Dylan, trying to remember last week
Santa Rosa Junior College

Monday, October 22

"Let me explain this to you in a way you will understand - the science of rain is very much like college students drinking beer. I can drink 5 beers, but then any more and I'm drunk, I vomit, and I pass out. I've heard you kids can drink 15 beers and still ride your bikes home, but I am old. So anyways, you (air) drink 15 beers (water vapor), you are drunk (maximum saturation), but you drink any more beers and you vomit (precipitation). This is why it rains people."
-Professor Kamp, lecturing in a down to Earth fashion
University of Montana

"I wish I had a pickle... and a cucumber. They are so fun to eat together. It's like... before and after."
-Jenna, on a balanced diet
New River Community College

Zach (sleeptalking): I don't care, put a CD in so we can do it.
Ash: So we can do what?
Zach: Have sex!
Ash: Um... OK. What CD do you wanna listen to?
Zach: I don't care, just put on a goddamn CD!
Ash: Well, what's your favorite CD?
Zach: The one where I put my wiener in your butt.
-Zach, on fantasies that are clearly only in his dreams
University of Northern Iowa

"I feel like a dog. Like when you are trying to trick it when you are throwing the ball... and you pretend to throw it so the dog bobs its head all over the place but it can't find the ball! And I'm like 'Where is the weed, where is the weed? I DON'T SEE IT, oh my god, I am like that dog food commercial for Beggin' strips, only the dog thinks it's BACON! Weed, feed me my bacon!"
-Carli, crashing the train of thought
Dickinson College

"Man I don't even care enough to give a fuck anymore."
-Will, after lots of alcohol
Western Carolina University

"The next time your professor glares at you for getting up and leaving class early, say to them "Hey! Fuck you! I pay your fuckin' salary!"
-Professor Dilworth, during a lecture on Wordsworth
University of Windsor

"You can see here by the depiction of his larger than normal fallace.... Oh shit, I'm sick and tired of acting all academic. You can see here by his giant cock..."
-Professor Merkel, on an ancient Roman fertility painting
School of the Art Institute of Chicago

"If smoking kills people, then I suppose it's just a lil' bit of heaven in every breath!!"
-Fat Zach, on getting closer to God
University of North Texas

"Knock my rocker... Oh my god, I just said 'knock my rocker.' This chair makes you so old."
-Kendra, while sitting on a busted, old-fashioned arm-chair
Dickinson College

"Wow! You're like an Asian in disguise!"
-Josh, commenting on a friend's skills at Tetris
Seneca College