Friday, November 9

Zack: I still have a raging hard-on.
Katie: Are you trying to say you love me?
Zack: ........ yes....
-On double meanings
North Carolina State University

Nevada: Dude, why the hell did you set that Power Wheels on fire?
KW: Because I like to party.
-Wasted (good enough for me)
Delgado Community College

"One girl actually asked me to bite her clit once. It was quite odd
given most girls I went down on like me to take it easy in that area, not pretend it's a Subway sandwich."
-Kevin, turning everyone off of ham sub sandwiches for life
Yale University

"Whoever ends up proposing to me better get me a diamond the size of a fist 'so I don't end up losing it.'"
-Effie, emphasis added
University of California, San Diego

"Oh yes, this is 'Today Germany, tomorrow the world' stuff here, people."
-Professor Connell, looking to the future
Cornell College

"Ugh, I can't eat egg salad. Eggs remind me of ovaries...which I don't like at all."
-Gays and egg salad don't mix
Nazareth College of Rochester

"I'm going to call 'fuck buddies' 'fuckables'; like 'Lunchables'."
-Will, brown bagging his women
North Carolina State University

K: But there is one huge things on our minds. One thing that must be answered without failure...
S: And that is?
K: Who is the person we are going to sleep with on our last night here after the big bash.
S: Med school has some tough decisions huh?
K: Picking the right vagina is a tough job.
-Doctoring the results
Yale University

Nessa: I just have to find someone new to take his place...SO much work.
Bryan: Haha...I'm laughing that you think it's work.
Nessa: It is! I have to shower, look attractive, go to a party, flirt with some guy and get to know him. I have to seem mysterious, confident and sexy. That's a lot of work man! It would be so much easier if they would just come to me.
Bryan: Oh they will. You get way too much ass sometimes.
Nessa: It's not getting the ass...it's maintaining it.
-On the overwhelming troubles of getting a new fuck buddy
Indiana University

Pat: You pushed the "six" button instead of the "skip ahead" button, you douchebag!
Stew: Sounds like you pushed the failure button to me.
-While watching DVDs drunk
University of Utah

"I help women break."
-Wes, hopefully on topic during a pool game
University of the West Indies

Elissa: So, do you sit on your dick when you sit down?
Brock: Do you KNOW where a penis is?
-What girls don't know about the male sex
University of Maryland

Thursday, November 8

Josh: So I was at this lecture being given by a cervical chiropractor--
Ashley: Is that like a male prostitute?
-Making cervical areas feel real good
Brandeis University

Brittany: So Milton doesn't have a first name, correct?
Jess: John?
Brittany: Oh! Really?
-Not looking too good on the first day of ENG 326: Milton
Cornell College

"I like the texture of scrunched up elbow. It reminds me of scrotum."
-N, on similar body textures
Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine

"My aim today is to learn how to full on fly south... you know, like the birdiesssssssss.... if only the floor would stop moving."
-Sara, while clinging to the hand dryer in the bathroom for dear life
Harvard University

Amun: I'm so lazy. I should just kill myself now and shave off years of procrastination and sitting on my ass.
KayLin: You're giving yourself too much credit, Amun.
-Not cheering up the lazy emo kid
Clark College

"If I have to die I want it to be during sex, just after climax, so I like rock up in heaven with this big grin on my face. 'Spose that'd really fuck up the other person's mind though, sorry baby."
-Andy, during a study session with his girlfriend
Queensland University of Technology

James: My mother couldn't organize a sex party in a whorehouse.
Charley: Don't you mean orgy?
James: I wanted to say orgy but it wouldn't come.
-Engage brain, then speak
Staffordshire University

James: I think they messed up our order man.
Matt: It's okay. A medium is just like a large, only smaller.
-After getting a medium pizza instead of a large
Wayne State College

Elissa: My grandma calls black people colored people.
Amber: You know those little balls of fuzz that get stuck under your armpits when you wear a sweater? My grandma calls those nigger babies.
-At least our generation is PC
University of Maryland

Annie: Ugh, he won't stop talking about Holly...
Allie: Oh, that slut?
Annie: ...Holly is my little sister!
-Who is a freshman in high school, no less
Georgia Institute of Technology

Matt: They should give him those special glasses that block out the sun.
James: You mean sunglasses?
Matt: No, not those. I mean the kind that just shows the ball and not the sun.
-Matt, while watching a replay of Barry Bonds being hit in the face with a baseball
Wayne State College

Tuesday, November 6

Badawi: Why is it always a guy standing on the beam and never a girl?
Reagan: Because there's no beams in the kitchen.
-During a statistics quiz
Northern Alberta Institute of Technology

"God, I hope the zombies attack today!"
-Steve, after firing a gun for the first time
Kwantlen University College

Jeff: That's my wallet.
Katie: I know. That's the only thing I love about you. I cup your wallet, not your balls.
-On the meaning of true love
Iowa State University

"Greg equals ugly squared by himself, so add more ugly and you have yourself a quadratic equation of ugly."
-Brett, on a particularly disliked classmate
Peabody Conservatory of Music of Johns Hopkins University

"I five years, I'll be a broken man"
-Rob, on things not to say to your fiancée
Lakehead University

"You are trapped...where are you? A vortex of mystery? I don't think that's going to be on my GPS."
-Stevo, on the limitations of satellites
Regis University

"It was as if I was being eaten by the fat kid that loves cake...and I was the cake."
-Amber, on a terrible kiss
University of Florida

1st Sgt: So in the Civil War era when an officer was killed his boots were placed backwards in the stirrups and the horse was sent back to camp to alert everyone of his death!
Jim: Like in Gladiator, first sergeant?
1st Sgt: Yeah, like in Gladiator.... Wait, were there horses in Gladiator?
Jim: No, first sergeant.
-Proving superiors aren't all knowing in military funerals, or popular films
United States Army

Court: Gosh, my nipples are like pencil erasers.
Cari: Yeah they are...
-Awkward moments in roommate history
Buena Vista University

"Halloween is great. It's the only time you can drive up to a group of little kids in an unmarked white van, tell them you have candy inside, and have it be true."
-Steek, on creepy Halloween "fun"
Kwantlen University College

Cari: I can't believe I drove home drunk with six cops standing there.
Court: I told you not to, you made me let you!
Cari: If I don't remember driving home in the morning.... I could have been arrested.
-Two bickering, drunk roommates after the bar
Buena Vista University