BigNiceJohn
- Instant Screening |
Either you are an oversized porta potty that I really really want to
use, or you are a gentle giant preying on young girls for intimate
conversation. As surprising as it may sound though, I find your
screenname almost so generic that it has somehow managed to retain
an innocent, soothing touch. So whether your goal is for buddies to
shit all over you, or for underage females to gain your trust, I am
confident it's a win-win.
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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You never know when you'll need to take a
shit online. Here's someone you can count on to leave the seat down. |
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iloveyou12345678
- Instant Screening |
How do I love you? Let me count the ways...oh wait, you already
did. Eight times?! No way, that's EXACTLY how many ways I was
gonna tell you I love you too! We're a match made in IM Heaven!
Wait, hold on...how do I know you're not just saying that? Did you
know 8 was my favorite number? What if you were trying to say you
loved me and then accidentally started counting to 10 aloud when you
were registering your screenname? Have you ever IMed OTHER people
before? Is 8 the number of people you've been with before you IMed
me?? God, you're such an IM slut! I bet I'm just #12,345,678 on
your list!! Go to hell and take your fake iloveyou's with you!!
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Ok look, I'm just feeling so confused
right now. Honestly, I don't know WHAT to think. All I can say is,
why couldn't you have just told me how you feel without all the
numbers? |
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IinventedASL
- Instant Screening |
| Age, sex and location: three
things you can be sure did not exist before this buddy signed on for
the first time. Would it even be appropriate to IM this
buddy with ASL®?! LOL!! Oh shit,
is LOL trademarked too? |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Schedule a time when you can have a
business chat with this buddy about obtaining special permission to
use ASL® in all future
communications. Expect to pay royalties every time you plan on
trying to cyber. |
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TheOnionofDeath
- Instant Screening |
| Be
afraid. Be very afraid.....living, breathing, ONION KILLING MACHINES
ARE OUT THERE. And they don't like you. This onion in particular is
not fucking around. If it IM's you, go ahead and start crying,
'cause it AIN'T NUTTIN' NICE. |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Your only hope is to view this onion's
profile to make sure it is THE actual OnionofDeath. There are a lot
of fake OnionsofDeath roaming around online, and you could be the
target of one of these subversive crime rings. |
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bodybuilder335
- Instant Screening |
| Don't
plan on putting this person on your buddy list any time soon. His
screenname changes with his daily benchpress max. "Bodybuilder335"
today, "Bodybuilder345" tomorrow. "Bodybuilder320" the following
day but you'll never see this side of him online...he'll temporarily
change his privacy preferences to block all screennames and
embarassment. |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Shifty and conniving, this chameleon
buddy-of-a-1000-faces is a protein shake weighting to explode.
Unless your idea of a friend is someone who asks you for a spot when
you sign on, don't plan on buddying up. |
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PirateManiac13
- Instant Screening |
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Welcome to the 1800's! When surfing the high seas of the Internet,
PirateManiac13 wants you to know YOU'RE IN TROUBLE SAILOR! AHOOYYY
MATEY!!!! Look for the animated pirate buddy icon waving in the
e-wind. Then you know you're really in trouble. |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Warn your crew immediately that Pirates
are riding the high Internet seas in the near distance! IM as many
of your buddies as possible to be on the lookout for the skull and
crossbones icon. Don't be fooled by BlackbeardManiac13 either. |
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RifleGoddess08
- Instant Screening |
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but did the Greek gods and goddesses have
access to rifles back in the times of.....well, gods and goddesses?
Next time, check the availability of WeavingGoddess08,
HearthGoddess69, ChildbirthGoddess911, and similar screennames more
appropriate for women. |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Chat up this ROTC hottie and find out
WHEN THE HELL THEY STARTED ALLOWING WOMEN TO CARRY GUNS!! Be sure to
enter the chat with a one-up screenname such as AK47Zeus007. |
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BBQsauceReloaded
- Instant Screening |
| Weird,
I don't remember watching the original "BBQ Sauce." NO PLEASE!!
DON'T!! NOT THE, BBQ SAUCE!!!! OWWWW, NOOOOOOOO!!! Why am I sure
someone is registering BBQsauceRevolutions at this very moment?
Probably because someone thought they could squeeze out ONE more
drop of BBQsauce. Well let me tell you something,
BBQsauceRevolutions may have a flip-top, easy-squeeze lid and a
kickin' honey barbeque tang, but the concept is just completely
boring by now. COULDN'T WE HAVE JUST LEFT IT AT "BBQ Sauce"???! |
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NameScreener
Recommendation: |
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Yeah, I know, I know, you
weren't gonna IM this person after I said all that. It's just
that...well, it's the third and final one, and you might as well see
the fate of BBQ Sauce after using it for this many years. |
