Rule 2: See above.

Don't you hate away messages that don't tell you where the person is? No? Me either. I mean, what's the point...they're called "away messages" for a reason. If I went outside to take out the trash they would be called "taking out the trash messages," BUT THEY'RE NOT. And so on until the sheer number of possible "_______ message" combinations would become ridiculously large.

A profile about your girlfriend is like peeing...everyone sees it, but only you and her can feel the warmth...WEIRDOS.

If an away message is posted on the Internet, but noone ever reads it, did that person ever really go away?

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my own dreams."

Beer makes people smarter.  Think about it...it made Bud wiser.

Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening, and leave every away message as if it were your last.

Hi, I'm sorry I’m not here right now. If you’d like to leave a message please press 2, then 4, then 345 then type 'Yes, I am this lame.'

I'm at work now. Something to think about while you wait for me to get back: A train station is where the train stops, right? And a bus station is where the bus stops, right? Well, on my desk, I have a work station...

If I am away, you should get a message saying:

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.