Ahh yeah, The Brothers. The Twins. Your Sack O’ Surprises. Whatever your pet name for your scrotum is, it is very important to you. After all, you’ve had your ball sack for nearly your entire life, and you know it better than any other person. Maybe it has a distinctive feature that deems it unique, like a mole or a freckle. Or maybe you have a scar there from 11th grade when everyone was running from the cops and you had to jump the fence but you didn’t see the sharp railing on the top and now one of your testicles looks like Harry Potter’s forehead. Whatever the case, your ball sack reflects who you are, and it makes every person different.
Same with your penis.
From the beginning of time, Man knew immediately that his fruit basket was special. "Testicle" is derived from the Latin word meaning "witness," which explains why the "Witness Protection Program" has a more important meaning to men. Anatomically, God made the scrotum outside the body, giving them fresh air to breathe and making sure they don’t get too hot. This gave men the opportunity to swing their bagpipe around, making funny clapping noises or delicately laying it upon their friends’ faces after they black out. God also made sure the nutsack dangled just low enough for idiot skateboarders to wreck themselves trying an idiotic trick.
In sports, jockstraps and cups were worn before most helmets, demonstrating men’s priorities when it comes to protection. Also—God forbid anything malfunction in your lettuce patch—thousands of scientists have spent countless hours creating pills that transform your dick into less of a reproductive organ and more of an anti-aircraft artillery cannon. In short, your testicles are priceless.
Your cock is merely a blank canvas without a name.However—like all job interview clichés—our Leaning Tower’s greatest strength can also be its greatest weakness. So many times a man has been blessed with a marvelous member, only to ruin its beauty with a sloppy nickname. Naming your testicles may be the most important thing you ever do, and no one wants to jump the gun. Too many times men hasten this critical decision and wind up naming their package "Principal Skinner" and their testicles "Pride and Glory." I believe Spiderman said it best when he exclaimed, "With great power comes great responsibility," before giggling to himself and shooting web in Mary Jane’s face.
But before you start to throw out cool sounding names like "Chuck Johnson" or "Magnus the Defender of Lost Tombs," you have to go back to the beginning. Back to the simple question men have been interrogated with for the past hundred years.
Why name your penis?
Women always wonder why men name their package. To them, it can only compare to naming their tits. This is, of course, a horrible comparison because of the different outlooks each gender has on their privates. Men take pride in their member; they put it on a mental pedestal, raising it above all else. You’ll never hear a man complain about his cock, and you will certainly never hear him criticize girls for staring at it. This is why men feel a need to name their junk. By doing so, they are personalizing what they love most, making something already special even closer. Not naming your penis is like forgetting to name one of your kids. Women will never understand it, and you don’t expect them to. But if you’re ever with a group of friends and a drunken question triggers a penis-name-sharing game, you had better hope you can get a high score. Otherwise you’re just going to be that idiot on Jeopardy watching as Ken Jennings takes all your money.
So where do you begin? What is the foundation for naming your balls and penis? Do you start with a famous television star you idolized? Or maybe a funny saying that will make people laugh? Should you name your balls after a comedy duo, like "Abbott and Costello" or "Ren and Stimpy"? No. None of these should happen, because they are all predictable and unoriginal. To begin, you need to name your penis. He is the Moe of your Three Stooges—the leader, if you will. A commanding name for him will certify a powerful package.
|Step 1: Naming Your Penis|
You’ll notice that I said "a commanding name for him." The first rule is that your penis is always a guy. Many times I’ve seen men allow their girlfriends to name their pogo-stick and it’s turned out horribly. Girls think of the penis as something cute and cuddly; something they want to put in their mouths or take out on a picnic. Because of this, countless dicks have been titled "Zelda" or "Princess Sophia." Even worse, the men have caved into it and agreed with the name, too scared to dick-smack their girlfriend and call her wrong.
Now that we’ve removed the option of a female label, our penis’s title can be broken down into three categories: Powerful Nouns, Forgotten Movie Characters, and Old School Superheroes. Let’s start with the powerful nouns.
For those guys who want to stray from the cocky-headed asshole category of men, there is the option of naming your penis after a strong noun. Whereas hundreds of chiefs try to act tough and call their dick "Werewolf" or "The Destroyer of Pussy," it will never impress anyone. And, if by some chance a girl you’re trying to get serious with jokingly asks about your pecker’s name, you shouldn’t be embarrassed to respond. Trust me when I say no girl is going to want to marry a guy who named his penis "Obelisk the Tormentor" (after the Yu-Gi-Oh card).
For the men who want to appear poetic and caring, but also desire a strong name for their love muscle, a powerful noun can do the trick. One word tends to be fulfilling, and simplicity is key. Names like Honor, Freedom, and Justice all exude power to the listener, who will know that much thought was put into your decision.
Try to avoid nouns that can double as sexual innuendo. I realize most men can make a sexual joke about anything, but avoiding sexual undertones helps. While "Gobstopper" is technically a noun, the one-liner "it changes colors if you suck it" doesn’t impress anyone.
Forgotten Movie Characters
For those of you who want to appear witty and socially superior, there is the option of naming your lust sword after a person—a fake person. Because let me assure you that if you approached Charles Barkley in a crowd and told him that you named your Johnson after him, he’s not going to want to shake your hand (not the right hand, anyway). The best way to impress people is to name your skin dragon after a character in a movie. But not any character, a character many people have forgotten and will only remember once you have told them—like the band Foreigner.
Do not, under any circumstance, name your jackhammer after your favorite character, or a famous one. Officer John McClaine sounds badass, but unless your dick maneuvers its way around an L.A. office building while taunting Russian terrorists, the reference is not going to work.
For the men who want their dick’s name to trigger a badass film or sensational monologue, a forgotten movie character will definitely suit your member. For example, if you tell someone that you named your penis "William Wallace," they immediately think of the dramatic monologue of your dick riding a horse, facing an army of scared soldiers, yelling, "They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!"
- Marty McFly
- Reggie Dunlop
- Maximus Decimus
- Angel Eyes
Again, remember the fact that any man can turn anything into a sexual joke. With that in mind, Dr. Strangelove from the 60’s shouldn’t be brought up for obvious reasons, and, even though he has a loveable laugh and is constantly stealing Fruity Pebbles, Barney Rubble could lead to the painfully predictable "I can make your Bedrock" line. In addition, try to make them badass characters, or at least ones people remember. We’re going for "forgotten" characters, not unknown ones, and no one will remember that the main monkey in Planet of the Apes was named Cornelius. If pulled off correctly, this title could make people associate your junk with some of the most inspirational movies of all time!
Old School Super Heroes
The previous two entries are for those who deem themselves poetic and cultured. But what about those who want their trouser-wizard to just straight up kick ass? For these men, I introduce the old school super hero. I say old school super hero because this relates to the movie characters: you want them to be slightly forgotten, from the inner depths of comic books. No one is going to want to go near a dick named "Superman," and that will just make it awkward when you finish faster than a speeding bullet.
Names that work are those found on the dusty shelves cluttered in the back of comic book stores. Green Lanthern, Captain America, and Hawkman are all successful names, bringing a little bit of old school to your popsicle while hinting super-power undertones. Names like this are much classier than "PUSSY POUNDER" or "CUNT PUNISHER," but still indicate righteousness.
- Captain Falcon
- Max Payne
Oh yeah it’s no big deal, that’s just my dick.With Hollywood searching for original movies and begging to feed its addiction to violence, you run the risk of your dragon slayer being the title of another Super Hero Movie, where it will be portrayed by a sarcastic Edward Downey Jr. And please, for the sake of every woman who dares unbutton your pants, do not name your cock "The Hulk." Trust me, it will backfire. And no, it will not be funny when you flex it back and forth and say, "Oh no, you’re making Hulk angry…." Also, for those of you who think it will be dark and mysterious to name your dong after a super villain, think again, "Penguin." Also, "The Riddler" could go wrong when your dick leaves girls guessing. OH SNAP!
Perfect! You have done it! You have officially named your penis. Feels good, doesn’t it? Don’t you just want someone to walk in and quiz you on your nicknamed anatomy? You are officially a stronger, more sophisticated man who knows what he’s carrying between his legs. Or should I say who he’s carrying.
What, you think we’re done? Hell no dude, this is only the first of three steps! We still need to name your balls! You think that with only a strong penis title you’re going to win a competition? Hell no dude, you need the strongest of names for your potato pouch.
|Step 2: Naming Your First Testicle|
Choose a testicle. Either one. Everyone has a favorite. Maybe it’s your right one because it hangs lower. Or your left one because it has a cool vein that makes it look outraged. Whatever the preferred, you should name that one first. But first, some rules:
Never name your balls pairing names like "Batman and Robin" or "Starsky and Hutch." It’s childish and slightly gay. And, on the off chance you develop testicular cancer and lose one, you’re going to look foolish having just "Ernie." Which leads me to my next rule…
Avoid regular, Average Joe names like Jeff and Bruce. Oh sure it’s slightly comical when people are expecting a long complex name with background and inner meaning and you just throw out "Nick," but what about when you get a roommate named Nick? Then one of you is going to have to move out, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be your sack.
Do not name your balls after someone famous. Everyone names their balls after a celebrity they think is obscure and original, but since no guy in the world is innovative enough to think of someone unique, famous testicles fall into a typical cycle of names:
- Michael Jordan
- George Washington
- Dane Cook
You name your bong/bowl/bubbler after someone famous (Albert Highstein, Billy Bong Thorton, Wesley Pipes), not your testicles. Now that we’ve established some ground rules, it’s time to get started with…
Titles are formal and prove that your testicle has done something successful. Maybe it’s a doctor, or a college professor, or a boat captain. Whatever the name, your testicle has worked hard for its title. My personal favorites are Army ranks; Sergeant, Commander, Marshal, or even Officer are all empowering titles that ensure your testicle has supremacy.
Okay, so let’s start an example of the testicle-naming process by creating our own. We’ll start with:
A Formal First Name
Picture, in your mind, a pristine lawyer. He graduated from Brown University and is now dominating the judicial system with a confident attitude and chiseled jaw line. His charisma is unprecedented and his charming smile ensures success. Now, take all the appeal and confidence of this triumphant man and condense it into a name. A name that epitomizes power yet bleeds sophistication. And remember that this name is being preceded by a kickass title, so the classiness is only emphasized.
This formal first name ensures formality with your testicle. But we’re not done yet. We need a matching last name to complete perfection. So far we have:
A Last Name
Remember that Family Guy episode where Brian meets highbrow writers of The New Yorker with names like "Fielding Wellingtonsworth," "Livingston Winstaford," and "Amelia Bedfordfuringtonchesterhill"? Those are the types of last names you want. Anything sophisticated to accompany the power-filled first name you assigned your testicle.
Now, using the imagination and inventiveness of our original titles, commanding first names, and literati last names, we have just successfully named our first testicle:
Commander Abraham Kenilworth
|Step 3: Naming Your Second Testicle|
There are two ways you can name your second testicle:
1. Use the same outline as your first testicle, only this time append a suffix like "Jr." or "The Third."
2. Give it a mystical name.
A mystical name implies that your testicle has magical powers and is probably a wizard of some sort. But we’re not going to stop at a miraculous name; we’re going to give your second testicle a title like no other. Your second testicle will have a job, a way of life, and one of the most important responsibilities in the whole world. And even better, you get to choose. But first, a name.
Choosing a name for your testicle is like getting to name your character in World of Warcraft. You want something mythical yet powerful; something exotic yet believable. The only difference is that your testicle may at some point get laid, where as your WOW character gives the impression that you cry in the presence of females.
Your testicle? I hope not.Think back to mystical names you know: Cerberus, Gandalf and Falkor. Those names don’t work. They’re too relatable. When I say "Pegasus," you immediately think of the winged horse from the movie Hercules.
You don’t want your mythical name to be linked directly to an image. The names have to allow the listener to conjure up their own image of a fabled creature. Here are some good examples:
But that’s not enough. Your testicle isn’t just some troll that hobbles around eating billy goats. It needs a purpose. For example, maybe your testicle is the defender of lost souls, or the guardian of justice. Epic names like those will clinch a winning name for the most important thing in your life: your testicles.
- Zanzabar, Protector of Forgotten Dreams
- Lithrav, Guardian of the Sacred Temple
- Raveth, Defender of the Holy Jewel
- Sworch, Warrior of Heaven
So there you are! You now have a flawless formula for naming your throbbing pant monster and golden nuggets. But before you set your names into stone, where they can no longer be changed or altered, experiment. Make sure you have smooth names that are individually unique yet together a Dream Team. And once you have completed that, wait. Continue your daily routine of learning, working, and waking up naked in some lady’s bushes, until someone asks you the name of your penis. And then, my friend, you unleash a fury of names that leave them feeling helpless. They have just become a victim. A victim of your cock. And it all started with a name.
Alex Boonstra has a PIC column! Read his weekly narcissistic tales at Peter Pan Syndrome.
Feel free to share the names of your Kibbles ‘n Bits in the comments, because we all know they’re starved for attention.