After Coming Down the Chimney, I Promise Not to Draw Your Feet While You Sleep
I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
Tag: Satire
I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past and I’ve Never Haunted You Because Your Life Is Too Boring
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Christmas Card from a Family That Runs a Private Prison Company
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
Before I Move, I Will Finish All of the Condiments in My Fridge
If I can find the scissors and cut open all seventy-three of these packets, I might almost have enough stale soy sauce for one stir fry serving.
Who Actually Said, “Actually, Gandhi Never Said, ‘Be the Change You Want to See in the World’”?
There is evidence that Festerman did correct people on the Gandhi misattribution but there is no evidence he actually felt better about himself.
A Comprehensive Timeline for When Your Cover Band Should Play “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”
10:24 P.M.: Has that older dude with frosted tips requested “Every Morning” yet? He always does.
Jane Austen Regrets That She Cannot Attend Your Dream Dinner Party
I cannot abide the vulgar shoptalk of striving strangers who demand to know, “Where do you find your inspiration?”
A Menu of Our Fine, Illegal French Cheeses and Their Legal-to-Buy-and-Own Assault Weapon Pairings
Bleu De Gex: Known for its blue veins, it is aged for three weeks with Penicillium roqueforti, and cannot be legally sold in the continental United States.
I’m the Honey Baked Ham Gift Card You Got for a Corporate Holiday Bonus and I Hate Me Too
It’s been a few weeks now and you won’t stop looking at me in contempt. Every time you open your wallet and see me, you scoff.
There Will Never Be a Sale This Good Until Next Week
Now there’s only 12 hours, 53 minutes, and 16 seconds left! Can’t you feel the gravity of this situation? Better get that CVV number quick!
The Devil Anxiously Awaits Robert Johnson at the Crossroads
I’m so nervous, the sweat on my palms is boiling.
The Secret to a Winning Democratic Campaign Can Be Yours!
We've got a group of diner patrons who respect military service and don't shy away from saying what's on their mind. Want to know what they think?