My Kid Has Usurped My Wife’s Breasts
I love Gabe. He's half me. And I’m sure that fact has something to do with his literal clinginess to Kristina's quadruple-D, turn-to-see milk-pillows.
Tag: Parents
Revocation of Parental Rights to Custody of Archival Images and History
Mom, Dad, this is your official notice that you are no longer in charge of my childhood photos and videos. Please turn them over immediately.
7 Emails Your Dad Sent You That are Sure to Bum You the Fuck Out
I know you're busy with your groovy friends probably listening to rap music, but your old man just thought he'd check in!
Merry Fucking Christmas to All From the Millers!
Another eventful year has passed and the Millers are feeling SO BLESSED despite the fact that we are all agnostics or atheists.
12 Ways to Talk Your Mom Down From the Ledge When the Hottest President Ever Leaves Office
I don't know about you guys, but my mom is heartbroken over this hottie's departure. Here's how to help mothers everywhere deal.
Am I Turning Into My Dad?
"My head is too big to fit into women's frames," I told the eyecare associate. "But it’s still not big enough to break the glass ceiling."
My Dad’s Six Simple Steps to Painting a Room on Sunday
Listen Todd, the best way for me to help you paint your kid's nursery today is to use my dad's advice to me as a kid.
Six DIY Cialis Halloween Costumes for the Res-Erected Dad
Oil derricks are typically monochromatic, so eliminate the hassle of cutting a hole in your pants by just going naked. Pound a Cialis with a few shots of tequila.
5 Weekend Woodworking Projects for a Medieval Father and Son
There's no better way to impress on a young boy the timeless lesson of impermanence than the gallows. Then move on to a ballista or siege tower!
Study Shows Toddler Misbehavior Designed to Prepare Parents for Zombie Apocalypse
A study of 200,000 toddlers, conducted by scientists at Barnard College over 15 years, has determined that toddlers misbehave to prep their parents for doomsday scenarios.