I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
Give your dad the gift of a Roth IRA orgasm for Father's Day without having to label it incest.
Now I heard you’re even talking about me in therapy? I was hoping you’d move on by now, since you’re in your mid-thirties and all.
Accidentally kill yourself on a snorkeling adventure you’re not trained for to see the coral reefs before they, too, go to be with the lord.
Cheryl senses my sadness/frustration/anger/anything-cry-worthy-even-if-it’s-just-a-movie and will suddenly be on my doorstep with brownies in hand.
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, but a heart-shaped blurry photo on printer paper is her other best friend.
Appetizer: Meat Yogurt -- What's the one thing moms love more than fruit? Duh, it's yogurt!
All lifeguards are entitled to one free snack per day. In exchange, all snack bar employees are entitled to one free rescue per day. Make it count.
Are able to pay today? No? That seems crazy to us, because money falls out of the sky and everybody wins the lottery at least twice a year.
We stormed into your backyard like Viking hordes, and heaved your precious boy into a burlap sack, the rough fibers scratching his tousled hair.