Still searching for the perfect gift for the woman who’s worked so hard to raise you? Instead of asking her about her personal interests, try going with a small, impractical trinket that shows the most important woman in your life how out-of-it you truly are. Check out these stupid tchotchkes that say: “I love you, mom. Did you say something?”

1. The smallest picture frame they sell in Walgreens

If we know anything about moms, it’s that they love gifts that they can throw into a drawer afterward and forget about forever. That’s why a teeny-tiny Walgreens picture frame is the ideal gift for your nostalgic mother. Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, but a heart-shaped blurry photo on printer paper is her other best friend. So shove it into an ill-fitting frame, and wrap that baby right up.

2. A shower radio that only plays AM stations

What do moms love? Showers! What else do they love? Probably local news! Keep mom in the loop during her “me time,” instead of weighing her down with heavy gold necklaces. She had shoulder surgery last year, thanks very much! Sure you could just reach out and ask what she’d like, but the element of unwanted, low-effort surprise is what really hits home. Besides, who needs material things when you can have the most up-to-date news in the tri-state area?

3. Scented candles

Give your mom the gift of smells this year! A violet-scented Yankee Candle will make her house smell like a spa, so she doesn’t have to worry about going to a real one. Spas are full of hot springs (ouch!) and Egyptian cotton towels (pretentious, much?). Gift card for a hot oil massage? No thanks! Give your mom the smell of a spa, without the hassle of attending one.

4. An original poem written on a photo collage

A sentimental gift to make your mother sob. Bring the tears by rhyming “love” with “blessed by God above,” and hit it home by placing that text over an assortment of weird-angle photos taken on an iPhone 4. Handmade gifts are always a win, never mind that you’re a financially stable adult with the ability to send a basket of artisanal meats and cheeses.

5. Cute animal keychain

You might be tempted to give your mom a car or her dream vacation home, but come on. You think she wants another key to keep track of? Help a mother out, and gift her a brand new keychain to help her organize her existing keys. One with a cute stuffed animal attachment will ensure she always feels joy when looking at her collection of keys to her current car, and kitchen island-less home.

6. Oatmeal in bed

Moms loooooove healthy shit, especially when it’s served to them in their personal space first thing in the morning. And what better than oatmeal, made with love by an adult who should know how to actually cook by now? Bring mom a healthy breakfast in bed instead of dragging her to Richard Gere’s B and B where he often shows up and strokes the hair of visitors. Hop off my mom, Richard! She’s got some undercooked oatmeal to finish.

7. Coupon for a hug

If you think your mom wants an all-expense paid vacation to Aruba more than she wants a hug from you, you’d be dead wrong. Nix the cruise, the unlimited cocktails, and the time to decompress?—instead, opt for a hug that she can use at any time. You certainly live far away now (in your apartment that you pay for, with the job that theoretically pays you enough to afford to buy actual gifts for your incredible mom), but unlike first-class travel tickets, hug coupons never expire.

 

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.