Hello mommy and daddy. I stand before you, falsely accused of cookie theft, but entirely innocent of all wrongdoing. There is no proof because nothing happened. Nothing. The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand positioned entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!

What’s that you say? You have video evidence from the nanny cam? In that case, I submit that evidence was gained unfairly. I demand an investigation into the origins of this illegal surveillance. It’s obvious that my sister Molly hasn’t gotten over her loss in the 2016 Robinson Family Candy Land Tournament. She is a sore loser who couldn’t handle being stuck in the Molasses Swamp. Instead of just drawing better cards like I do, she failed to get to the Candy Castle and now she can’t stop talking about it. She’s a loser. I call her Stinky Molly. I invented that nickname myself. It’s a really clever nickname because she stinks.

Mommy and daddy, you’re lucky that I won the tournament. Things would be a lot worse if Molly had won. No one has done more for this family than me. Just think about the extreme cuteness I bring to our family photos. I alone can do that. Molly is entering an awkward phase. Everyone knows I am the cutest child to ever live. I get more cheek pinches than anyone. Everyone wants to pick me up and give me hugs. I have the best dimples. The greatest dimples. You wouldn’t believe.

I’ve done nothing wrong. Ever. I have picked up and put away every single one of my toys ever. I have always finished my dinner. I was born being able to walk and feed myself. I have never cried. I have never made a mistake, and I have never stolen a cookie. I have never even eaten a cookie. I know nothing about cookies. Cookies are not my thing.

Folks, this whole thing is a hoax. There was NO COOKIE and anyone who says otherwise has Cookie Derangement Syndrome. Stinky Molly is the one who loves cookies. You should be asking her. Mommy, ask Stinky Molly about her crazy cookies. People are saying I’m the victim of a conspiracy. It’s totally unfair. No one has ever been treated this unfairly by their parents. It can never happen again. We have to fix this. We need to ban siblings. At the very least, Stinky Molly and I can no longer share a room. We need to build a wall. A big, beautiful wall.

I think you should give me a cookie because of how unfairly I’ve been treated. In fact, I’m going to reach into this cookie jar right now and take a cookie. This will be my first cookie ever, but I deserve it because I am the greatest child to ever live. Also, no one knows more about cookies than me.

What do you mean, I can’t have it? Give back my cookie! This is totally unfair. People will say I’m throwing a tantrum, but that’s okay. That’s okay. I’m going to take another cookie. Hey, give it back!

Listen, if I can’t have a cookie, I’m going to smash this cookie jar. Mommy, if you care about this cookie jar, you’ll give me a cookie. I guess you don’t care about this cookie jar. But it doesn’t matter. Grandma will give me a cookie. Where’s Grandma? Grandma, come over here and give me a cookie.

Daddy, put me down. I am not going to my room. I am going to stay right here and eat a cookie. This is totally unfair. Everybody knows it. Even Stinky Molly knows it. Put me down. This is the greatest injustice this family has ever seen. Frankly, I think this is a total disgrace. It’s very unfair. But that’s okay. I’m still going to get a cookie. Maybe after dinner. Who knows? We’ll see what happens.

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