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Tag: Open Letters
My Deepest Apologies to the Staff I Terrorized at Frightwood Haunted House
I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head.
To the Horror Movie Villain Who’s Definitely Not Hiding Behind My Curtains
Are you embarrassed that I called you out, and now suffer from some sort of movie monster performance anxiety?
Lab Rat Resigns, Looks for Better Pellet-Dispensing Gig
My hours are long, there’s no clock, and my wages are… well it’s just the pellets, isn’t it?
I’m an English Teacher in a Horror Movie, and These Budget Cuts Are Really Starting to Hurt
Their parents, who are never in town, don’t answer my emails, so parent-teacher conferences are as big a joke as life insurance in this town.
Kickstarter Update #37 – Our 3D Printed Water Bottles and Co-founder Are Being Held Hostage by Pirates
From what Eric told me before his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months of R&D.
A Letter to Management Written by Your Disgruntled Dog
This new hire, a human-in-training or “cute smushy baby," has been rude, selfish, and has made zero meaningful contributions to the company.
Demands from the Newly Organized Union of Hero Dogs
Subsidies of children in wells: Kids aren’t placing themselves in imminent danger far from the attention of their parents/guardians anymore.
A Friendly Reminder That We Still Have Your Son Held for Ransom
We appreciate you're probably busy. And trust us, we're normally never this needy in ransoms.
I Have No Professional Skills So I’m Applying to Be an LA Meteorologist
I’ve workshopped names like Gale Force, Itsa Scorcher, Summer Day, or if you just want to throw all subtlety out the window, Cloud Precipitation.
A Letter of Complaint from Your Unused Stationery
Little did I know then that I would soon join the ranks of those with no hope of escaping or being opened even in the slightest manner.
Dear Emily Elizabeth: Clifford the Big Red Dog Is a Menace to Our Neighborhood’s Off-Leash Area
It's a dog park, not Jurassic Park. Find somewhere else for your infernal Dogasaurus rex to run amok.