Dear Hacker(s),

My name is Nick, and I'm writing to you today to respectfully demand you stop hacking my 85-year-old grandmother's Facebook. You've compromised her account 30 times over the last 2.5 months, and I simply can't take it anymore. I'm asking you, not as a loving grandchild, or as some generic Goody Two-Shoes, but as an octogenarian's sole tech support who's been driven to his breaking point.

These hacks have done irreparable damage to my psyche, and as such, I feel I'm owed an explanation as to why you're doing this. Betty Trumbull is a lot of things but she's not a bad person, at least not by conventional standards. She certainly knows her way around a passive-aggressive zinger, but you wouldn't know that by all of her Farmville invites, or enthusiastic comment bait responses. The fact that, without a shred of irony, she answers every single “do you put sugar in spaghetti” post can't possibly bother you more than it does me.

Is this just a money thing? Because I have the $5 birthday checks to prove this is a misguided venture. Unless the grail you seek is a treasure trove of dusty VHS tapes featuring 90s television re-reruns? If by some miracle it is, I will happily pay you off to end this. She'll never know they're gone, even though every time someone tries to throw them out in front of her she throws a Hulk-sized temper tantrum. I should also note she no longer owns a VCR.

I hate to even suggest this, but is your business with my grandmother somehow, personal? Did you suffer a particularly bad beat in a game of Words with Friends? Did she cut you off in a crusty Buick despite us taking away her license? Or, and please say no, are you a jilted former lover, slowly exacting revenge for being ghosted after a night of intense, tantric passion? You know what, forget I said anything, I'm not strong enough to hear certain truths.

The only thing that makes any sense to me, is if these hacks are just a matter of convenience. I don't know much about the hack life, but I assume there's a quota of some kind? You got numbers to hit, you wanna get the ol' piracy ball rolling and start your day with an easy win. I get that, and if that is the case, and your interest in her Facebook is strictly business, I will happily provide details for alternate relatives for you to hack. Personally, I'd start with my Aunt Beth. She has way more friends you can potentially exploit and is a member of at least 10 QAnon groups, so you'll probably make your nut by lunch. I'd bet my life savings her password is something like “truepatriot,” “freethinker,” or “unvaxxedandunafraid.”

I love my grandma, but I cannot keep getting distressed and irate calls every four days, demanding I thwart these maniacal cybercriminals while she curses like a sailor because she can't log in to Candy Crush. There are words a grandson ought not to hear from the family matriarch, and she uses them all. At this age, she simply has no fucks left to give, and clearly, that attitude is reflected in her lackadaisical password security.

I'm all but out of ideas. I've tried everything else, including briefly blocking her phone number, which apparently is not a thing grandmothers or family's, in general, find acceptable. So if it's all the same to you, I'd really like to go back to enjoying the rest of my time on this precious Earth before I spend an eternity in hell (my mother's words) for having the audacity to prioritize my happiness.

Please, I'm begging you, change the password back and delete her details from your books. There's no money in this for you, and at some point, your bosses are gonna have to notice you spamming the same account with nothing to show for it. Now that I think about it, there's no way you wouldn't already have known all of this–

Oh God, this really was just about the sex, wasn't it?

A thoroughly grossed out grandchild