Hi there, it’s Lisa with Human Resources! After coordinating with our wonderful accounting department on the fourteenth floor, I’m thrilled to announce our latest philanthropic effort.
Although I’m certain everyone is beaming brightly at a record-breaking year of both profit and employee output, we recognize times have been challenging for everyone, from our fresh-faced new recruits to the geniuses at the very top of the chain. Words cannot express how grateful we are to our essential workers for rolling with a pay cut that kept our annual bonus fund going, as well as their grace in forgoing said bonuses in order to secure a down payment on the new partners’ sauna and lounge.
We see you, we feel you, and we appreciate you. Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.
That’s why this year we’re going out of our way to say thank you. That’s right—we’re raising donations for YOU, our hardworking employees, and we’d love your help making it possible by contributing anything you can directly to our payroll fund.
No amount is too big or too small for this charitable venture and bonding exercise. We’re happy to accept anything you can to ensure your continued success as we continue to allocate profits toward our office rent, maintaining our fleet of executive Lamborghinis, our owner's son's legal fees, and other unavoidable expenses.
We know times are hard, but with a bit of budgeting, donating is easy as pie. Consider gathering the money you’ve saved by using our breakroom Keurig machine (at just $5 per pod, it's a bargain!), all while knowing you're not only contributing money, but also putting a smile on the face of a coworker—and yourself. The financial loss will be worth the joy you’ll feel as a team when your paycheck comes on time, in full, right on the eve of the shareholders’ annual Bahamas retreat.
Speaking of shareholders, our CFO (Barry Hecklebottom himself!) has generously pledged to preemptively donate $75 of the company tax deduction from your charitable gifts. Wow! A heartfelt thank you from all of us, Barry.
As an additional incentive, the partners have kindly agreed to contribute toward a desk-wide cheese pizza party if this month's payroll is met in full. Wow! Thank you, partners!
All of us in HR are so grateful to you for your forthcoming generosity during these challenging times. We can’t wait to see everyone come together for a good cause as we approach another year of unparalleled employee output and shareholder profit.
Human Resources Department