Hi! Wow, you opened my cover letter. I’m sorry for sounding so shocked, but reading this cover letter means you’ve gotten past my name, Naht Riley Gewd, which is often not the case.
I’d love to say that my name is the worst thing about me, but unfortunately, it’s not. My degree in the Art History of Bookbinding has proved utterly useless, even in the bookbinding industry. Yes, I made Dean’s list, but that was Dean’s List, not the Dean’s List. And he removed me once he regained control of his Myspace.
By the way, what are your GPA requirements? Once confirmed, I can provide a tightly cropped screenshot of a transcript with a GPA that matches it precisely. You can’t see me right now, but I am winking.
Initially, you may be impressed by my special skills. Let me assure you: they’re useless. My ability to tell the difference between Madame Tussauds’ wax figures and the living celebrities, while incredibly accurate, has helped no one and is starting to offend the wax artists. The bullet point that says “knows state capitals” refers to the concept; I know that, generally, states have capitals.
I have a very long tenure at my last position, but that was entirely accidental. Mid-management mistook me for the Chairman’s cousin, primarily on account of me claiming that connection. This charade lasted for three years until the Chairman and I were in the same room for a surprise pumpernickel bagel day. You cannot call them for a reference, but I can provide a written one, dated March 2020.
If you hire me, there will be some benefits for your company. First, you can stop rejecting me. If you haven’t noticed, this is the sixty-ninth (LOL) position I’ve applied for at your company, including one brazen attempt to overthrow the CEO. You will likely save around 20 minutes per week deleting emails with my name on them. The second benefit is that I am good for morale. Your employees will shine compared to me, making them feel more confident and secure in their roles. The third benefit is that I can lie if you need me to, no questions asked.
What do I hope to gain from this position? I’m looking for a big fat distraction. I made a deal with someone to stay in my house full time until February 27th, 2026. It’s not that I’m lonely. I just need new people to talk to about my latest and greatest business ventures. Most of my friends and family stopped talking to me after I “tricked them” out of their “money.”
By the way, are you interested in skincare? I have an excellent opportunity to get in on the ground level of what will be the next St. Ives Apricot Scrub. Does your social circle trust you? If so, this will be very lucrative for me. I mean you. I mean me.
At this point, you may be thinking that by opening this cover letter, you are now complicit in some type of fraud. That’s true. While the penal system is generally lenient with first offenders, society is not. It will be impossible to get a job, date, or even a pet from henceforth. At this point, you already have consequences for our documented association; we might as well see how far we can take it.
Thank you again for your time. I think this will be a solid fit. I look forward to learning about your payment terms, as well as intimate details about your closest friends and family.
Naht R. Gewd