12/22/2018

To Mr. Claus,

We here, at Hasbro, have become aware of you and your elves replicating and distributing several of our intellectual properties. This is a formal warning. We demand an end to this year's production and immediate cancellation of any late-night sleigh delivery plans.

You might not be aware of just how much damage your operations have done to our business this time of year. Every time you give some kid a Power Rangers action figure just for being on “the nice list,” we lose money.

As for the incalculable diminished commercial value you have caused us in previous years, we are willing to settle for a one-time $8 billion settlement.

We await your response and check,

Head of Hasbro’s Legal Department


12/03/2019

To Kristofer Kringle,

We here, at Hasbro, were appalled by your blatant disregard of our warning from last year. We were fully prepared to start legal proceedings… until we were informed we had no legal jurisdiction in the North Pole—largely in part because there is no North Pole legal system.

I’m going to level with you: my boss hired me specifically to put an end to this, and I can tell he’s starting to lose his patience with me. I'm actually the only one left in this department due to budget cuts. Thanks for that.

I’m sure we can find some middle ground here. You want to give toys out to the children of the world, and I want to have a job this time next year.

So just spitballing some ideas here, why don’t you go back to making those simple wooden trains and dolls made of fabric, like you did back in the day? I hear all of the kids think it’s cooler than what we’re doing. Or maybe create some new toys? You have so many elves, I imagine at least one of them could come up with something original.

Just a suggestion, of course. But I think there are some real winners here. Free of charge too!

Looking forward to seeing what you come up with this year,

Head of Hasbro’s Legal Department


12/7/2020

To “Saint” Nicholas,

We here at Hasbro are frankly losing our patience. And by we, I mean me. You ignore my first letter, and when I come to you with what I think are some pretty fun solutions, you blow me off again. I know you’re getting these. I hand-delivered the last one to Donner myself.

If you’re going to keep doing this, at least make cheap knock-offs like the others do. I’m looking at two identical Nerf blasters right now and I can’t even tell which one is ours.

At this rate, your elves are manufacturing our toys quicker than us. It’s only because you don’t have OSHA riding your ass. Again, stop distributing unlicensed Hasbro toys.

You suck,

Head of Hasbro’s Legal Department


12/20/2021

Dear Santa,

I hope you are doing well. I imagine it is once again a busy time for you as always (nothing you can’t handle, I’m sure).

It’s been a busy holiday season for Hasbro too. Right now the new hot toy is this “My Little Pony Friendship Castle,” and it is just flying off the shelves. It’s in such high demand that people who work here are getting fired for sneaking into warehouses looking for the stupid thing.

Look who I’m saying this to. Tons of kids have probably written to you asking for one. I’m sure you know all about how popular this thing is—I wouldn’t be surprised if you and your elves made extras. Is that something you guys do?

I know this isn’t something a normal parent would worry about. To be fully transparent, I have forbidden my kids from sending “letters to Santa” because of the nature of our relationship in the past, but I think we can agree we’ve both moved on from that.

I guess what I’m saying is: don’t you think you could let the Christmas spirit guide you towards kindness this holiday season?

With love,

Loving Dad & Former Head of Hasbro’s Legal Department


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