Just Because We Spotted Each Other at a Sex Party Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Still Be Your Accountant
Maybe you’re freaked out to think of accountants as sexual creatures. You want us always hunched over ledgers, never over your sweet, pliable body.
Tag: Life
Diary of Nelson Perry, Swing Voter
November 1980: I voted for Ford in '76, but I’m thinking Carter can take us into the Pac Man era. Ronald Reagan isn’t qualified and he’s embraced a racist campaign strategy.
I Got into CrossFit but I Already Told Everyone I Know—Should I Quit?
The confirmation page for my gym hadn’t even loaded before I put out a group text to my closest friends telling them that I was a CrossFit guy now.
How to Photoshop Yourself Dummy Thicc with Bob Ross
Wow. If you’ve photoshopped with me before, you know I like big ol’ tushies. And, there he is. That’s a big ol’ tush.
I’m the Tennis Ball Attached to an Old Man’s Walker
At the very least, I thought I’d live out my days being volleyed over some net in a park by people who considered themselves moderate exercisers.
It’s Hard Being a Barbarian Hero in Downtown Manhattan
“Your plight reached me on LinkedIn: the posting spoke of your lamentation, of your need for a Client Data and Management Information Co-Ordinator!”
Just Thought We Should Catch Up! And Maybe See if You’re Satisfied with Your Current Financial Advisor
Been married a couple of times---but don't worry, I'm a free man again! And I guess the main thing is that I started working at Odysseus Financial.
6 Worst Places for Your Wife to Remind You She Is Leaving to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship with the Pep Boys
The process of picking one menu item reminded your wife of how she did not have to pick just one Pep Boy, since they are all polyamorous.
I’m Your Winter Cough and I’m Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to That Asshat Sneeze
Sneeze gets his own salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes and everyone pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.”
I Am a Character in a Dystopian Novel, and I Think Your World Kind of Sucks
To be fair, at least you know your “vote” counts as much as everyone else’s, whereas in our system---Wait, the electoral what?!
I’m a Crosley Record Player
Every day that my knob is turned, I wheeze, I cough, calling out for help, but they can’t hear me scream over their thrifted Bob Dylan record.
Do You Want to Marry Him or Do You Just Want His Mother to Ruin the Next 25 Years of Your Life?
You hope to start a family because... A) You want to have babies with him. B) You want to raise your children under her shadow government.