The Pep Boys are Navy buddies who built their empire by filling the consumer need for affordably priced auto supplies. That’s good news if you’re in the market for car service and repair, but bad news if your wife gets as horny for the Pep Boys as yours does. Here are the top six worst places for your wife to remind you of her impending decision to leave you so that she can be in a polyamorous relationship with the Pep Boys.
At Carraba’s Italian Grill, After the Waiter Refers to You As Your Wife’s Husband and She Explains to Him That While You Are Still Legally Married, She Will Soon Be Leaving You to Be With Manny, Moe, and Jack (the Pep Boys)
You hadn’t even decided between the Tuscan-Grilled Chicken and the Linguine Pescatore before your wife spilled the beans to the waiter and everyone within earshot that your marriage is simply a facade. The process of picking one menu item reminded your wife of how she did not have to pick just one Pep Boy, since they are all polyamorous. This would be the second worst visit to Carraba’s in your life, behind only the time when the manager at the Southport location accused you of stealing the grated parmesan shakers from the table (why would you even steal them, you have plenty at home?).
In Your Living Room, When You and the Fellas Are Watching the Game, a Pep Boys Commercial Comes On, And Your Wife Enters to Explain that While There Were Originally 4 Pep Boys, It is Only the 3 Pep Boys Depicted in the Logo She is Leaving You For
Talk about a mood killer. As soon as your wife heard that commercial come on, she raced into the room to remind you and your friends of your upcoming divorce. She then explained that if she identified as a Pep Boys Purist, she would attempt to date the original 4 Pep Boys, but since she is a Pep Boys Pragmatist, she will be romantically involved with only the 3 Pep Boys from the logo.
At the Kevin James Stand-Up Show, When He Does Crowd Work and Your Wife Explains That While You and She Are Married For Now, Her Heart Belongs to the Pep Boys
This brought the show to a screeching halt. After Kevin James earned an applause break from his bit about verbally berating a man who failed to bow before the true King of Queens (ending, of course, with James saying his famous catchphrase: “It’s time for the King of Queens to beat some ass!”), the veteran comedian unfortunately looked at you and your wife to do some crowd work. He got so confused when your wife explained the Pep Boys situation that he fell off the stage and broke his leg. The night would have been ruined if the Pep Boys hadn’t salvaged it by rushing to the stage and singing a song about how to identify a problem with your alternator belt.
At Your Son’s Baseball Game, When the Pep Boys Each Greet Your Wife with a Romantic Kiss on the Neck, So You Cause a Scene Which Distracts Your Son And Makes Him Lose the Game
It’s fitting this happened at the ballpark because when it comes to being a good husband and father, it appears you’ve struck out. In your defense, a true athlete should be able to drown out all background noise, even if that background noise includes the athlete’s biological father screaming at his 3 new step-dads. Still though, your behavior is unacceptable; your son doesn’t need a role model who can’t control his emotions, he needs 3 ASE-certified technicians who are always ready to provide your car with professional service.
In Your Garage, After You’ve Put on a Pair of Overalls and Strategically Placed a Grease-Stained Rag in Your Back Pocket in an Effort to Reignite Your Sexual Relationship with Your Wife By Looking Like Her New Lovers
Close, but no cigar, pal. You thought that maybe if you could show your wife that you could be like the Pep Boys, she’d give you another chance. Unfortunately, what you discovered is that you can wear the clothes, you can grow a mustache, you can dedicate your life to serving the automotive aftermarket, but what makes a Pep Boy a Pep Boy is his heart. And buddy, you ain’t got the heart of a Pep Boy.
In Church, When You Say You’d Like to Raise Your Son Catholic, But Your Wife Says That the Pep Boys Have Insisted Your Son Not Waste Time on Trivial Things Like Religion Since He Needs to Prepare to Defeat the Michelin Man in Combat
The Pep Boys have defied God’s plan and now live as immortal beings, so they respect no deity. Instead, they focus their attention on their mortal nemesis, The Michelin Man. And even though you’d like your son to celebrate his First Communion Ceremony, the Pep Boys have forbid it. The prophecy states that their heir is destined to destroy the synthetic rubber King of Kings known as the Michelin Man, so your son must spend his time training for the great battle.