The main responsibility of any dad in a restaurant is to spout off a consistent stream of comedy gold. So many antics!
5:35PM: Turn down a one-way street going in the opposite direction. I read somewhere that street signs don't apply when you only have two wheels.
Hannibal Buress: You learned what feminism is from "Broad City," and you’re not 100% on board with it yet.
How about a round of applause for the Starbucks barista who didn’t ask what else I like strong and hot on a summer afternoon.
I celebrate their beauty and empower their right to feel sexy. But no matter how nice I am to sharks, they still refuse to let me be their boyfriend.
#amactuallywritinggoodshit – This is a great hashtag to show other writers you’re not just writing, you’re writing better stuff than they are!
Stadium security: It’s dangerous, wearing something that makes you look that good. Did you get all dolled up just for me, honey?
ka-ha-ka-ha kuk-kuk-KUK | Translation: I’ve got nothing against European starlings. They should just go back where they belong.
Some genres start off as an experiment. Others, like Freshcore, start off as a fake song recorded for a deodorant commercial.
"Pretty Girls Make Graves (For Immigrants We Don’t Want and I Smile at Those Girls and Give Them a Thumbs-Up Because I'm a Hateful Racist Arse)"
Scrolling through Twitter for the news. Driving a Tesla for the environment. Living with six roommates for the camaraderie.
Heartbreaking: This Makeup Tutorial Doesn’t Take Into Consideration the Fact That I Don't Leave the House