Soda Fizz Emo

Combining the generic “oo baby” lyrics and mediocre harmonies of modern pop-punk with the twinkly arpeggios and garbage recording of emo created a genre that made a ton of people go, “It's ok, I guess.” Most credit the creation of Soda Fizz Emo to Minneapolis-based band Angry Little Losers, who mostly get by on the fact that their drummer is a graphic designer who makes album covers more skillfully than they make music. Angry Stupid Losers recently made the move to Seattle, where they believe a larger audience awaits them. They are wrong.

Freshcore

Some genres start off as an experiment. Others, like Freshcore, start off as a fake song recorded for a deodorant commercial. Hipsters started playing it ironically, then realized they were playing it sincerely, and just fully embraced it. Purists refuse to consider Freshcore a real subgenre, since most of the lyrics sound like rejected Nike slogans. (“Clear head, clean pits!”) However, most straight-edge kids will listen to anything they can shout while they beat the shit out of potheads at all ages shows.

Grey Metal

Most Black Metal bands are Hardcore Satanists, but White Metal is made by Hardcore Christians. Two opposites, forever set against each other. Now there's a genre for people who are too apathetic to commit to either of those: Grey Metal—The Coke Zero of KVLT. Started by mild agnostic Kalle Havarkannen, lead vocalist of the band IRRITATOR. Their most popular song is “Maybe God is Dead, Maybe Not. I Don't Know.” followed second by “Some Rules Are Good, Some Rules Are Bad.” IRRITATOR has spawned a handful of IMITATORS—Grey Metal bands like CENTRIST, MILQUEGHOST and FEIGNED APOLOGY.

Posi-Goth

Who says you have to be depressed to wear all black? While most Goth bands embrace nihilism, Posi-Goths are all about putting a phony smile over the darkness. So what if the human race can't rise above its own self destructive impulses? That doesn’t mean you gotta complain about it. “Nevada Will Have Beaches Soon” by The Decaying Smile Sisters is all about finding the silver lining in humankind’s addiction to fossil fuels. When lead singer Holly Kiss croons “Let’s scuba dive the sunken ruins of La Jolla” you want to believe that your grandchildren will do that instead of fighting over rare produce grown in fortified bio-domes. Posi-Goth has become extremely popular with suburban retirees over 50, and will be the soundtrack to David Lynch’s next film.

Mumble Rock

“I was listening to a lot of Bob Dylan and Tom Waits, and I thought, ‘I want to hear that, but over like, a White Stripes riff.’ So we made a record, and Robert Christgau called it Mumble Rock. The name stuck.” Says Frankie “Gravelmouth” Tebble, frontman for the band Shabby. Along with groups like Archibald the Circus Wasp and Too Much Mustard, they are considered the innovators of the genre. “I know people want us to publish lyrics so they can sing along, but honestly I’m making it up as I go.” Codeine addiction has claimed the lives of several Mumble Rock musicians, all of whom Tebble immortalized in the song “Marmanarmabarmagarma.”

Grindpop

Let's be honest, nobody actually listens to this garbage, not even the bands that play it. It’s a big joke to combine Grindcore and Pop Music, but it's one that every mediocre band thinks is unique and funny. People buy the music for the sheer novelty, then turn it off after 30 seconds. We'd recommend some songs but they're all the same thing: ear-punishing guitar chugs and half-assed falsetto singing. Musicians: Please quit thinking this old joke is still funny. Seriously. There are over 100 Grindpop EPs. This needs to stop.

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