I've never been a huge sports fan. Actually, that's a total lie. I used to be big into football and basketball when I was a kid. Then the teenage years hit and I got lost in God knows what. Anyways, I haven't been paying attention to football for a few years. But now that my hometown team (the Green Bay Packers) are second or third (we'll see this Thursday when they go against Tony Romosexual) in the NFL, I've gotten back into football.
I was going to try something new today, something I've never done before: make sports jokes. (Sports and comedy have gone hand-in-hand since Dick Butkus was born; and the only time I've ever made jokes involving sports was skits where someone didn't know anything about sports but pretended they did) I was going to make some jokes about Ricky Williams, some jokes about the joke of a team the Dolphins, and some jokes about Sean Taylor, the Redskins player who got shot in the leg and was diagnosed non-responsive and unconscious.
I was going to compare Sean Taylor to Terri Schiavo. I was going to make a horrible pun about how the Redskins safety can't look out for his own safety.
After hearing that although he's still in critical condition, he responded to requests to squeeze a doctor's hand (by squeezing his hand), I was going to make the joke “so is he gonna play on Sunday, then?”
But then I got the news this morning via text from my friend.
“Dude sean taylor died”
To which I responded:
“boners are fun”
Possibly the worst thing to say after you hear someone died. I guess Sean Taylor is Christmas and I'm the Grinch.
I feel if Sean Taylor was alive today, he would've wanted me to go ahead and make the jokes without him. Plus the Redskins can use some cheering up, so here we go.
My friend doesn't have cable (fag), so he asked me why Ricky Williams left the game. I responded with several consecutive texts.
Inbox (Him): why did williams leave
Outbox (Me):
- he got stepped on
- plus his dealer called
- plus he had to go masturbate to his heisman
- plus he heard that that redskins guy said ah wah
- plus he didnt have an umbrella
- plus the dolphins clearly had the game under control
- plus hes trying to get prescribed to medical marijuana
- plus hasnt he played enough lately christ
- plus he had to go watch a repeat of house
If you didn't see Monday Night Football last night, the ‘he got stepped on' is true. Some dude from the Pittsburgh Steelers stepped on his shoulder. Also, to put the rest of the jokes in perspective, Ricky Williams was an outspoken lover of marijuana, and ‘ah wah' is what Terri Schiavo said when she was in a vegetative state similar to Sean Taylor's last night. Ricky Williams has been out of the NFL for awhile, so the ‘hasnt he played enough lately' was sarcasm. The House joke was just random.
There's more bad news today: The inventor of Gatorade died (how are we going to drink Gatorade now?), and Ricky Williams is officially out for the season. He comes back after 99 weeks out of the NFL and only gets to play one game. Now that's some sad news.
More texts from me:
7:39PM Mon, Nov26: that would be funny if the dolphins only winning game was against the patriots and that was the patriots only losing game
(The Patriots play the Dolphins two days before Christmas, right now Dolphins are 0-11, Patriots are 11-0.)
8:23PM Mon, Nov26: ricky williams was hitting a bong on the field and hes like what i cant smoke here?
10:15PM Mon, Nov26: last scoreless game this late was sixty four years ago
10:18PM Mon, Nov 26: to put that in perspective the last time i got a boner was four years ago
Labels: sports