Allah: “Oh, such a nice person! Just, like, needs to stop trying so hard. Can't hurry love, that's what I say.”

Bacchus, Roman God of Wine: “Would I party with him? Hmm. Can I get back to you on that?”

Ganesh, God of New Beginnings: “I'm all for New Year's resolutions, but I bet you ten rupees she uses that annual yoga studio pass exactly once.”

God: “Hello? Hello? Who's this? I can barely hear you. Can you call the landline?”

ISIS, Egyptian Mother Goddess: “Dude! My name's not an acronym.”

Jesus: “Hey, didn't you just call my dad? Look, right now isn't a great time. We just sat down for dinner.”

Kali, Hindu Goddess of Death: “Did you seriously just ask me if I would have her over for a chalice of blood? Wow, you're such an Orientalist asshole!”

Marduk, Patron Deity of Babylon: “Who? Never heard that name in my life. How'd you get this number?”

Prince Philip: “You've reached Scotland Yard's Royal Protection Squad. Press 1 for the Duke of Edinburgh. Press 2 if you're part of a cargo cult. Or please hold for a law-enforcement official.”

Pluto, Lord of the Underworld: “He's kind of moody, but who isn't these days? Yeah, I guess I'd hang out with him.”

Thor, Norse God of Thunder: “Hemsworth residence. Please leave a message after the beep.”

Yahweh: “A real mensch! Wish he'd call once in a while. But whatever. I've been busy, too—plagues, riots, what have you.”