Lava Cactus (Brachycereus nesioticus) – You hold yourself to higher standards than anyone else you know, and strictly enforce your own life rules. You refer to your recycle bin as “El Chapo.”
Bird’s Nest Cactus (Mammillaria Camptotricha) – You can always be counted on to make the tough decisions with a perfect balance of practicality and common decency. Your choice of weaponry in armed combat is the rubber garden hose.
Branched Pencil Cactus (Euphorbia tirucalli) – You don’t take part in societal constructs, and see them all as excuses for the elite to feel more elite. You’re convinced that international cuisine peaked with the onion ring.
Prickly Pear Cactus (O. ficus-indica) – You’re a self-starter, and believe that there’s no point giving to someone else what you can do yourself. You wrote your senior thesis about how the true Emperor of Japan is Hugh Grant.
Fishbone Cactus (Epiphyllum anguliger) – You make it a point to be your own brand and are a source of inspiration that your friends turn to when they need a boost. When cornered by a mountain lion, you always lead with, “Do your worst, for I will do mine.”
Organ Pipe Cactus (Stenocereus thurberi) – You dream the impossible and will settle for nothing less. You are actively and aggressively pursuing a monopoly in the goat-herding market of Northern Scotland. It’s going well, thanks for asking.
Beaver Tail Cactus (Opuntia basilaris) – You act a lot tougher than you are, and long for someone to see through your faux exterior. You have a permanent pillow fortress in the middle of your studio apartment that you’ve named Helm’s Deep.
Turk’s Cap Cactus (Melocactus azureus) – You’re known for your ingenuity and resourcefulness both at home and around the office. You pride yourself on knowing the exact setting on your KitchenAid KMT4115ER toaster with which to perfectly brown a bagel.
Blue Barrel Cactus (Ferocactus glaucescens) – You’re a hopeless romantic, and know that the right person is out there for you, you need only find them. You snort ground-up Apple Jacks biweekly as a recurring act of war against your natural-born dullness.
Barbary Fig Cactus (Opuntia ficus-indica) – You surround yourself with those you trust, and see nothing of greater value than a true friend. Except for the 99¢ margaritas that Applebee's used to have, those were definitely of greater value.
Saguaro Cactus (Carnegiea gigantea) – When you’re in, you’re all in; you won’t quit until you’ve crossed the finish line because you know that the reward is worth the work it took to get there. You don’t believe in coupons.