To combat cabin fever and maintain a healthy lifestyle during Covid-19, scientists have recommended taking walks outside. But even from six safe feet apart, outside activity brings the threat of human interaction, so here are some tips to appropriately acknowledge the sidewalk’s trickiest visitors.
The Person You Already Passed Once
Another wave and smile is encouraged, but make sure your smile is one of those slightly awkward and ironic smiles, indicating that both parties are acutely aware that this is, in fact, the second time you have encountered each other during this brief traverse.
The Man With Trader Joe’s Bags in Both Hands
While he appears friendly, and the frozen sweet potato gnocchi peeking out of his bag is delicious, he does not have the available appendages to properly return the wave back to you. Instead, opt for a friendly head nod.
The Gen Zer Who Is Prepared and Taking This Seriously
While this young subject is showing impressive adult responsibility, remember that they are also experts in cool greetings. Your best bet is to do nothing and avoid any potential embarrassment.
The Nurse in Medical Attire
Raise your arm to shoulder’s height to perform textbook waving technique, then bring it back down to take out your phone and email your senator.
The Influencer in a Louis Vuitton Surgical Grade Mask
Quickly think up a passionate verbal dissertation on irresponsible privilege in the age of Coronavirus, then sheepishly wave at the subject and post it on Twitter when you get home.
The Lady With a Really, Really Cute Puppy
Resist your body’s primal urge to lunge into a full sprint across the street and cry WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Instead, allow yourself a muffled aww through your homemade tie-dye scarf.
The Douchebag Talking Loudly on His AirPods
Look at this guy. Has he no respect? A good, long stink eye ought to show hi—Oh wait, he waved. Hello fine sir and a pleasant day to you too!
The Ex Who… Appears to Already Be Out with a New Thing?
Narrow your eyes through the small slot between your cap and protective wear, summon 7 torturous years of angst, anger and basketball shorts, and unleash a barrage of tiny red lasers in their direction. Pew pew, bitches.
The Powerful, Benevolent Sorcerer Waving a Magic Wand to Make This All Go Away and Save Us All
For God’s sake, don’t distract them!