“The [Straight Pride] parade will include floats and vehicles… and will run from Copley Square to City Hall.”
The Washington Post, 6/6/19

10. A real life “living portrait” re-enactment of American Gothic.

9. A floral American flag with a teenager dressed as a plush Bible mascot standing on it, throwing free “abstinence only” pamphlets into the crowd.

8. Large inflatable figures of two children crying while being ignored by their arguing parents.

7. The Dropkick Murphys performing “Shipping Up to Boston” while a bunch of Irish dudes do shots and maybe make out a little bit just to see what it’s like.

6. A large flatbed truck with about 50 men and women awkwardly shuffling side to side to Lou Bega's “Mambo No. 5.”

5. A vat of unseasoned grilled chicken breast and plain white rice for all to consume.

4. A 3/4 scale replica of a Kohl's storefront.

3. Tucker Carlson riding on top of the backseat of an old convertible, waving to his fans while wearing a tiara and a sash that says “Straight Queen 2019.”

2. A football-shaped float featuring a lucky male fan selected from the crowd performing fellatio on Tom Brady.

1. An animatronic papier-mâché recreation of a man in pleated khakis shrugging as his wife attempts to explain the location of her clitoris.