In these uncertain times many people spend their days feeling helpless. That is until they see an ad from a brand that lets them know that everything is going to be alright. Like when Goop said that the coronavirus was “only real if we believed it was real.” Here are some of our favorite times other brands have stepped up.
1980's War on Drugs
Drugs aren't cool. So don't ask “where's the reef?” Ask “where's the beef?” Free Frosty every time your testimony leads to an arrest.
It's time to take a stand. No more sitting on the sidelines. That's why we here at The Coca-Cola Company are sending a free two-liter bottle to any current student of Kent State*. We stand with you! *With valid student ID.
No cure in sight. Time has passed to fight. Drink Jim Beam and all will be right.
World War I
Ford Motor Company
In a moment in mankind such as this it is important to be a model citizen. At Ford, we know the best way to be a model is to drive a model. Purchase a new Model T today!
Tell your misses what-for from the front lines with a clear communique. Only Ticonderoga lead pencils are legible through blood. Send your parcel of love now and it'll be some pumpkins. Also introducing: Ticonderoga Lady Pencils, engineered for the feminine hand. They have different bones!
War of 1812
The British aren't just coming, they've already arrived. And Colgate could not welcome our one true overlords expediently enough. As Britain cleanses its colonies of revolutionists so too does Colgate brand soap cleanse the body of vile impurities.
Zimmer's Fine Coats and Upholstery
Good morrow fine sire, I should hope that you wish to don thineself with a coat containing pigments that do not run. Zimmer's Fine Coats are forged with blue thread that never untwines. For our foreign friends, red coats are also available. We swear to the one true god, thoust will be engorged at thine own reflection in our wares. It is guaranteed by us.
The Black Plague
The great Black Death is coming for us all, but ye want yer beloveds to look as pretty as an English rose as they are thrown into the death pits. Alas, ye can't afford a new death tunic for each passing. That's why our new tunics fit anyone big or small and can be reused after each burial. Just shake the tunic once and the plague be gone.
Mount Vesuvius Eruption
Nero's Fiddles and Wares
The Goddess of Death, Morta, saw fit to claim the town of Vesuvius. Lvckily, I, Nero, The “God of Sales,” have the deal of a lifetime. Ovr sandals, which now come in pairs, make ovtrunning any fvtvre ervptions Morta sends yovr way easy. As we all know “Pecunia Nervus Belli” (money is the sovl of war), so vnbvrden yovr sovl and treat yovrself to something with new soles today!
Pontius Pilate's Palace
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that our nails may benefit those who listen. Pilate's nails are the only nails capable of holding sons of God on the cross. Guaranteed to not fail during use or you may sacrifice our first born.
The Last Ice Age
Cold bad. Fire good. Cold go away from fire. Old die from cold. How not die? Tronk's spark-rock help make fire. Fire good. Give Tronk trinket for Tronk spark-rock so you not die from cold like old.
The Chicxulub Asteroid Strike
Roar! (Rough Translation: T.J. Rexx has masks that help Tyrannosaurs breathe air in our newly carbon-dioxide rich environment. They can be placed on your snout with the help of as few as two other Tyrannosaur. Buy them now, you don't want to end up like the Jurassic Period.)