8. Shutter Island (2010): So Scorsese decides to dip his toes into the horror genre with Shutter Island. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? I’ll tell ya one thing, I think my wife would have preferred to dip her fingers into ice cream on Butter Island! I swear, I yell to her that Marc Ruffalo’s in this one. She pops in the room and says, “Ruffalo Wings or Ruffalo Chicken pizza?” Ah, this woman.

7. The Departed (2006): A crooked cop? An undercover gangster? A historic kingpin? Who’s who? Here’s all I’ll say: if Matt Damon can’t get it up for Vera Farmiga, try a date night with my gargantuan, woolly mammoth of a middle linebacker wife. Leo’s steady hand is just about the only thing that’s stayin’ firm tonight, that’s all I’ll say.

6. Goodfellas (1990): Henry Hill, ah? Tell you what, my wife would’ve preferred “Turkey Hill.” I swear, Ice Cream is the only thing that gets this woman to stop naggin'. “Funny how” there are gangsters in all these Jersey towns yet the thing that scares me the most is my mother-in-law. So where’s everyone from?

5. Taxi Driver (1976): Taxi Driver. Oyoyoy. Ya know, my wife once said she wants to have sex in the backseat of a taxi. I says, “Great!” She says, “Perfect… you drive!” Can’t make this up folks.

4. The Wolf of Wall Street (2013): Scorsese’s most commercially successful film to date—as long as it’s “to date,” Martin, and not “to marry,” you’ll be fine. Big difference between dating and marrying. Dating, every time you see each other, you’re havin’ sex. Marriage, every time you don’t see each other, she’s having sex. I tell ya, life goes on though.

3. Gangs of New York (2002): I loved Scorsese’s depiction of “The 5 Points of New York.” That titanic, California Redwood with whom I share a life prefers “The Five Pints of Baskin Robbins” in our fridge. The woman loves Ice Cream folks. “Ice Cream” Johnson, that is, our old next door neighbor…

2. Raging Bull (1980): The fact that people dare to put Rocky even in the same LEAGUE as this tour du force does not change the fact that my wife is a firetruck.

1. Mean Streets (1973): And lastly, the most profound and influential cinematic element in Martin Scorsese’s oeuvre is his epic tale of city and sin in Mean Streets, the first feature of his own design. The events—set in Scorsese’s own Little Italy—mirror the director’s upbringing, and his familiarity shows. Scorsese portrays this tough-nosed gangster drama with the perception, tragedy, and sympathy that his story deserves. Every time I watch, I’m reminded of the life that my youth would give, and the love that I’ve wholly lost. Indeed, I’m reminded of my (now) ex-wife, who loves this movie. And I miss her.

But then again… the woman is hard to miss.

Thank you, you’ve been a terrific audience!

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