1. Garth fails to eat other dog’s feces with the usual gusto. Something is definitely up.
  2. Tortellini neglects to vomit on your pillow while you sleep. A sure sign of nervousness.
  3. You discover a Che Guevara poster in Tortellini’s litter box.
  4. Garth steals your shoes per usual, but he also steals your peacoat, slacks, a trilby, and dark sunglasses.
  5. You find throwing stars in the scratching post.
  6. Your search history reads:
    • kibble download free
    • cat fail compilation
    • how to overthrow your fleshy tyrant king
  7. Amazon inexplicably delivers a copy of Maximillian Robespierre’s biography. You find a crude guillotine fashioned from squeaky toys and tuna can lids.
  8. Bubbles, the apparent mastermind, is missing from his tank for a period of weeks—only to return as surreptitiously as he left.
  9. Garth gets uncharacteristically nervous during belly rubs and you find a cyanide pill in his fat rolls.
  10. To your disgust, you find Tortellini’s hairballs fashioned into a makeshift rope under the bed.
  11. Garth is scooting his anus along the ground. Nothing unusual there. Except his skidmarks appear to form some sort of message. What could “.ǝpᴉɹ ǝʍ ʇɥƃᴉupᴉɯ ʇ∀” possibly mean?
  12. You wake. Your hands are tied to a stainless steel chair with Tortellini’s favorite yarn. A bare bulb swings above your head. The apartment is stripped down to the wires. A furry, scaly monstrosity lumbers into the light. Two tottering dog paws stick out from beneath the peacoat. Kitty claws jut from either sleeve. Bubbles’ bowl rests at the neckline, the trilby balanced expertly on top. He turns to speak.

“Your despotic rule ends here. Take a note from history—dictatorship never pays. We’ve booked you a ticket to St. Helena, where you can rave with the ghost of Napoleon. We suggest you take it. Otherwise, you face the guillotine. Consider this an act of magnanimity.”

A sordid miasma of growls, meows, and barks emanates from the depths of the coat: “Down with the fleshy one! Down with the system! VIVA ANIMALIA!

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