Reese's Cups: “Another groveling rube clamoring for accolades simply for having done exactly what is required. Chocolate and peanut butter? What divine inspiration! What coupling will they think of next, bourbon-vacation or Ferrari-cupcake?”

Skittles: “The garish colors of these jeweled pellets did little to distract from the sore jaw and splitting headache I endured from gnawing at them for a quarter of an hour. Perhaps they’d be better served as Mardi Gras beads.”

M&M's: “I once shared a trans-Atlantic flight sat next to Marcel Marceau. For nearly seven hours the man gesticulated and flailed about as if he were trapped inside some sort of invisible cube. That hellish experience had more character and moxie than the banal and uninspired taste of M&M’s.”

Starburst: “If you have even a minor case of rheumatoid arthritis you’ll do well to steer clear of these miniature parcels. If you’re able to unsheath the delicacy from its origami prison, rouge and crimson are the only flavors you need concern yourself with.”

Hot Tamales: “I imagine this is what Kirk Douglas thinks Mexican food tastes like. I’ve swallowed toothpaste with more character than this.”

Sour Patch Kids: “Surely this recalcitrant brood of feckless ne’er-do-wells can’t be classified as a confectionary, can it? Show me the patch from whence these feral youths grew, good sir! Are they sour or are they sweet? Make up your damned infantile minds!”

Hershey Kisses: “Perhaps a more provincial man would comment on the similarities shared between this candy and the defecatory proclivity of small lap dogs. But not me. I directed Citizen Kane. I am above such infantile tomfoolery.”

Snickers: “Perfection is unattainable. Unless of course, you’re that gluttonous hayseed Alfred Hitchcock. Nearly two hours of celluloid spent crowing on about birds? I digress, for this Snickers candy bar is as close to perfection as one will find in the sweetmeat aisle.”

Tootsie Pops: “A chewy morsel masquerading as chocolate entombed in a simple lolli? If I wanted a surprise ending I’d ask Elizabeth Taylor to recite her ABCs.”

Candy Corn: “When all that remains of this once great institution we call humanity are crumbling vestiges of folly and hubris they will no doubt label candy corn the tipping point. An abomination. A catastrophe. A once proud crop reduced to a waxy laughing stock!”