Cozy: Under 300 square feet. You’ll need to throw away at least half your possessions including most of your furniture.

Charming: Pre-war building that hasn’t been updated since our boys were in the South Pacific. Might come with a fireplace—unworking of course.

Original moldings: The bathroom hasn’t been renovated since 1964.

Penthouse: Six floor walk-up. The key is to convince yourself you’ll come to appreciate having the forced-exercise. But you won’t.

Convenient to mass transit: Your bedroom walls will shake every time the N train rolls by.

Exposed Brick: There are no closets, but your apartment will feel like the inside of an Anthropologie, so be grateful.

Private: The living room windows look onto an air shaft.

Location! Location! Location!: Pay $2,700 a month to live in a studio in the West Village above a restaurant that rotates its menu seasonally.

Tons of character: The shower is located in the kitchen. How quirky!?

Close to nightlife: Best for those who enjoy falling asleep to the soothing sound of drunk people screaming about whose turn it is to order an Uber.

Just a short walk to the train: The nearest subway stop is a mile away and trains don’t stop there on weekends.

City views: Get to know your neighbors… intimately.

Room for a queen size bed: But literally nothing else. Technically, it’s not a lie.

Shared outdoor space: Compete with 100 other tenants for the opportunity to tan atop one of four plastic lawn chairs we’ve generously left on the building’s unfinished roof.

Super lives in the area: All maintenance requests require 3-5 weeks for processing, after which you’ll need to take an entire day off work to let him into your apartment.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.