Shared custody of Alexa and Roomba.

Money wasted on shared experiences rather than possessions to be itemized, tallied, and assigned blame for.

One spouse gets Netflix account, the other spouse gets both inferior Hulu and Amazon Prime accounts.

IKEA Stroomgurd dresser to be disassembled into original particle board slats and divided evenly.

Oral B replacement toothbrush heads go to whoever has worse dental coverage at time of split.

Casper bed to be halved to create two thinner, but equally high quality foam mattresses.

Reusable cloth bags to be split draft style. First pick for the one really good cloth bag goes to cuckolded party, otherwise coin flip.

Beyblades to go to winner of Beyblade Divorce Slam.

The Sims dream home both parties designed and lived in to be destroyed with both avatars still inside.

All revenge porn is to be disclosed. Failure to do so entitles the aggrieved party to make revenge revenge porn.

Shared rent living situation to remain the same as neither parties will have enough savings to move out on their own.

Chaturbate couples show to continue as it is the only consistent source of revenue for both parties, but no kissing unless requested.

Parties will no longer love fuck, only hate fuck.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.