Back in olden times, people used to give their beloveds “memento mori,” or other love tokens, so they’d always have a way to remember each other when they were apart, even after death and into the next world. Here are some love tokens I thought about sending my boyfriend instead of the nudes he keeps desperately, repeatedly asking for.

A penny with my initials carved into it

A sprig of Baby’s Breath pressed in the book he gave me for our anniversary

My portrait in silhouette, enclosed in an ivory frame

My baby teeth set in a silver box

A lock of my hair fashioned into an exquisite piece of artwork

A miniature painting of my eye

That one baby tooth with the cavity filling that I hid from the Tooth Fairy

A handwritten note from me, perfumed and punctuated by lipstick kisses, that reads, “Please stop asking for nudes, I’m serious, the idea makes me really uncomfortable”

Fingernail clippings (so he can scatter them in bed and think of me)

A reliquary with the burnt remains of my childhood goldfish hung on a golden chain

A slightly used pair of tennis shoes (I don’t know if that helps but I heard some men are into that)

A tissue dabbed in my scent (sorry, I don't own a handkerchief, so you'll have to make do with Kleenex—I think this is still a romantic gesture)

A vial of the tears I cried every time he asked me for nudes after I kept saying no

My old glasses from kindergarten when I had a weaker prescription

My worn-out bra from last summer, cast in bronze

A daguerreotype photo of the beautiful smiling face he fell in love with

OK, OK, I get it—I’ll send some damn nudes


And now a quick joke...

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?