I just flew in from LA, and boy are my needles shed all over your carpet.

Why did the evergreen’s password get reset?

Because he forgot the login.

Who’s an evergreen’s favorite actor?

Michael Douglas Fir.

Pretensions aside, who is an evergreen’s favorite actor?

Chris Pine.

Who is an evergreen’s favorite Golden Globe winning actress (specifically for a comedy or musical series?)

Heather Hemlocklear.

How does an evergreen academic format their resume?

As an arborvitae.

Why couldn’t the palm tree go to the ski resort in Switzerland?

Because it was alpine and also they are not native to the temperate climatic zone.

Why do dad evergreens like bad jokes?

Because belong to the family Punacaeae.

Why do redwoods grow in Muir Woods?

If you had a rent-controlled property near Silicon Valley, would you move?

A bamboo plant walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He orders a beer and reads the latest Patterson novel on his Kindle.

Ten minutes later, a panda holding a dictionary and a gun walks into the bar.

The bamboo turns to the bartender and says, “Hey, guy, I’m feeling a little threatened over here.”

The bartender says, “Hey, plant, have you even ever heard the end of that joke?”

Take my gymnosperm, please!

How many Leyland cypress does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because Leyland cypress don’t have hands.

What evergreen could change a lightbulb then?

A palm.

Conifer? I hardly know her!

A coconut tree, an agave, and a juniper walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Let’s see. A piña colada, tequila sunrise, and a gin and tonic?”

Disgusted, the trees say, “We can see we’re not wanted here,” and leave.

The bartender shrugs and turns to the only other guy at the bar. “More placenta margarita, George?”

Knock, knock.

Stop knocking on my grandfather, you jerk.

Ding dong.

Is there still a door here? A wood one?


Ding dong.

Who’s there?


Sequoia who?

Sucker, ya just had everything stolen because you took down your door.

Why didn’t the pine tree get a Christmas present?

Because he was knotty. Also, he was slowly dying and becoming a fire hazard in the living room of a suburban home. Merry Christmas!