Aries: You’re no conformist! You’ve accepted that and so should the US government. They haven’t though, so you’ll fake your own death.

Taurus: You’ve always been a bit stubborn. The US government would have to literally drag you to enlist, and they will. They’ll literally drag you. Luckily, that’ll result in pretty serious injuries, so you won’t pass the medical exam.


 US Government: Hey aren’t you supposed to be drafted?
 You: No, that’s my twin. It happens all the time.
 US Government: Omg so embarrassing, our apologies.

Cancer: These Army recruiters are trying to be your friend first and it’s THE WORST. They can’t distract you with conversations about the weather. “It’s cold, huh. You know what probably isn’t cold right now? Iran.” Fuck off with that. “You know what is cold, your father’s feelings towards you, recruiter.” You’ve always been good at getting to the emotional core of people. That recruiter will stare into the void just long enough for you to get away.

Leo: Alright you self-centered fucks, you love glory, but not “war glory.” The video you’ll make for your GoFundMe raising funds for defecting will be glorious, though. Remember to pay your editors.

Virgo: You’ll go through the motions. Get the exam, fill out the paperwork, say what you need to say, everything. You’ll just shred the paperwork when you’re done. You don’t understand why no one else does this.

Libra: At first you thought you could annoy them into going away, but that got too exhausting. Instead you just let people keep cutting in front of you in line until the drafting office closed for the day.

Scorpio: You fucking weirdos, this is your time to shine. Get out the tin foil hat, march right up to those recruiters, and spout every conspiracy theory you've ever heard. Make them up, get creative. Then offer to sit with them in their office to count the aliens that have disguised themselves as staples. They have names and backstories. They’ll be begging you to leave about five minutes in.

Sagittarius: You’re not big on lying to the US government, but you’re also not great with confrontation. You'll just take your dog and begin a solo hike until this all blows over. No need to tell anyone that you left.

Capricorn: You’re all about efficiency. Think fast, work fast, commit a crime, become a convicted felon, get sentence reduced, get released from prison, become ineligible for the draft.

Aquarius: The US government may think you've been drafted, but you’ve evolved beyond that. You’re not that person anymore. You’re a new being and no longer confined to the draft. This will absolutely hold up in court as you’ve also evolved beyond someone who entertains the notion of guilty.

Pisces: The recruiters will keep knocking on your door, but you won't answer. Not on purpose, you were just busy reading and had your headphones in. You’re presumed dead.