Aries: You’re no conformist! You’ve accepted that and so should the US government. They haven’t though, so you’ll fake your own death.
“The Devil is endless with his trickery, why else would he disguise himself as Phil Collins!”
Okay, we’re a large part of literally every war, but so are doctors and no one blames them.
Her nipples were like CD-ROMS, perfectly circular, and any man could see themselves in them.
How do you rate your performance? Your Answer: This place would crumble without me. Work Appropriate Answer: I have the utmost confidence in myself.
Your giant black hole costume can be made with simple, all black clothes, ensuring no one notices you (not that you needed any help with that).
I sent another text last night. I get that 3 AM is late, but that’s why I made all of you set your text tones to the sound of your children crying!
Trump’s plan to top the gesture is to acquire a bigger, more ornate envelope! The world’s largest! Carmen Sandiego can't resist a prize like this.
Relationships are about one thing, and one thing only: affordable housing. Find someone who doesn’t smell too bad and lock it down.
Honestly? I should get the Peace Prize. I started this friendship, but whatever, no one seems to care and Donny will take credit, yet again.
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
Dad Bod Mints: Like the popular “Thin Mints,” but thicker, and with a little bit of hair.