Dear Diary,

I’m really excited! Kim and I are going to a concert he mandated! He says they’re the best polka K-Pop group he’s ever created. Who could argue with him? The last group he created were so dedicated—they were performing like their lives depended on it!

Kim showed me the cake we’ll be having while we watch. I can’t believe the number of times I’ve eaten a cake shaped like his face. I asked Donny if he wanted to come. He said no, but he can next week. Kim was a big fan of Celebrity Apprentice so I’m sure they’ll get along great.

I can’t wait for my two best friends to meet! Until then, diary.

Yours,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

So…that didn’t go as well as I thought. Kim was in the mood to listen to Elton John. Apparently, Don doesn’t like Elton John, but you don’t say no to Kim, ever. Donny just kept shouting “little Rocket Man” over the song and things got…messy. Kim got fed up and screamed “dotard” at Donny. He didn’t actually mean to say dotard, it was a slip of the tongue, but you know how Kim gets when he’s wrong…He just doubled down on the whole dotard thing. It was a mess.

I hope this doesn’t turn into a whole thing, but they both tend to hold grudges. I just want us all to be friends!

Yours,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

Things have only gotten worse between Donny and Kim. Donny keeps tweeting super mean things about him. I hate being caught in the middle like this. I want to support Donny, but Kim’s my friend too, you know? I just want the fighting to stop. I know if they took the time to listen to each other they would get along. Thanks for listening, diary.

Yours forever,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

The Olympics are here in South Korea and Donny won’t even go. He doesn’t understand why they can’t come to him. It’s a long flight, I get it, but, and please don’t tell him this, I can’t go to Mar-a-Lago anymore. I won’t do it! Everything is cooked well-done and they make me take out my piercings so I don’t scare the women!

Kim is talking to President Moon and, frankly, I think it’s just out of spite. They hate each other. I mean, they’re acting like they’re friends, but I know what’s up. This will be interesting, diary.

Yours,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

Ok, so, Donny and Kim met on their own, which, ok, good, but…Moon was there too! What is any of this?? Are they friends now!? Was there cake? I mean, I’m happy my two best friends are getting along, but Moon? He’s just, ugh.

I just wish they had told me they were hanging out, you know? They’re all so busy and I never get to see them anymore. I’m sure it’s nothing but, it just hurts to be left out. At least I have you, diary.

Yours,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’m not. My two best friends get along, and that’s great. I knew they would like each other. But they keep hanging out without me! I feel like a third wheel in a friendship THAT I SET UP! They haven’t even thanked me! Actually, I haven’t heard a peep from either of them in weeks!

Plus now Donny keeps talking about how great Kanye is. “Kanye is so smart.” “Kanye has the best rhymes.” “Kanye got the best Kardashian.” It’s so dumb!!

I’m probably overreacting, but, diary, it’s just so hard when your friends don’t have time for you. They’re busy, I know, I get it, but they make time for each other! I don't know, maybe I’m just being petty.

That’s all for now, diary. I’m glad someone cares about what I have to say.

Yours, and apparently no one else’s,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

Some changes…I started a group text with Donny, Kim, and, ugh, Moon. Donny kept bragging about how he was going to have his Nobel Peace Prize dipped in gold, again. We keep telling him it’s already gold, but he wants more gold. Typical.

Honestly? I should get the Peace Prize. I started this friendship, but whatever, no one seems to care and I guess Donny will take the credit, YET AGAIN.

Oh and get this diary: Donny tried to add Xi to the group text! Xi! Ugh.

Sorry, I'm just so on edge. I’m going to take a walk to clear my mind.

Yours,

Dennis Rodman


Dear Diary,

Is Donny for real? He and Moon started a group text with Xi and I wasn’t even added! What the hell?? Kim is super pissed. He won’t talk to any of us. He texted the group saying “good luck with your Peace Prize, dotard!!” and then left. It was messy.

They’re both texting me like crazy, which is nice, but I don’t like being pitted against my friends like this. Part of me wishes I was back to being the third wheel. Not actually, but this is super awkward and I hate it.

Ugh, I have a bad feeling about this. I’m sure this won’t end…so stay tuned, diary.

Yours,

Dennis Rodman

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