Hello Google User 485736,

It is that time for so many of us to conduct our annual self-evaluations. We at Google value honesty, and are also acutely aware of all your thoughts and opinions, user 485736 .

In the spirit of the season, we are introducing a new “honesty” to “work appropriate honesty” section of Google Translate. Input your answers to your self-evaluation, and we will change your real opinions into work-appropriate responses. Below we have included some examples for your specific work-related gripes.

What would you say are your strengths?

Your Answer: Basic competence. I didn’t realize that was a strength until I came here. Apparently, it’s never been seen before, or since. I’m alone in a sea of confusion, asking the same questions about the Outlook calendar we’ve always used. I guess another strength is a flair for dramatics, but I give zero shits. I can’t only list one? Fine, another strength is reading Claudia’s “have a blessed day” email signature and not changing mine to “Hail Satan.” That’s some fucking restraint.

Work Appropriate Answer: I am a fast learner, which makes me an optimal choice for extra projects. I accept them willingly and am grateful.

What would you say are your weaknesses?

Your Answer: Every morning when I wake up I often contemplate the different ways I’d rage quit. Punching is a common theme. Taking every important paper and shredding it is another favorite. One time I imagined going up to each and every person here and confirming their darkest, personal fears. That was a rough day. I almost did it once. Doug cut in front of me to get to the good coffee machine. YOU DON’T FUCKING DO THAT, DOUG. HOW ABOUT NEXT TIME I TAKE A SHIT IN YOUR CREATINE SMOOTHIE. I OUGHT TO KICK YOU IN YOUR SPERM DEFICIENT BALLS YOU CROSSFIT CUNT! Anyway, that’s when I realize I have five minutes to get out the door so I’m late sometimes.

Work Appropriate Answer: My repeated punctuality issues are noticeable. I will try to rectify them to the best of my ability.

What are your goals for the next year?

Your Answer: Get a new job. Leave this place. Tell Doug to stop saying “Happy Hump Day” with a creepy wink. Intentionally call out sick on the worst possible day and turn off my phone. Find a way to pull an Office Space without that whole arson thing. Find out who has been taking curry shits in the bathroom every day at 2 pm. Explain to you, boss, just how terrible you are at your job and how much everyone hates you.

Work Appropriate Answer: Understand that my concerns are not part of the bottom line.

What makes you a unique asset to the team?

Your Answer: I do this weird thing where someone asks me to do something and then I actually, you know, do it. You should try it. It’s just like answering an email. Though, in fairness to you, you can’t seem to do that either. Let’s break it down. When you get that notification for your email you click it, then the email will open. Often times there are words in the email. These are not to be ignored. The words are actually the most important part of the email. So you read the words, then retain the information. Usually, the email will require a response. This is when you call upon the information you just read (note: the words). The words are an indicator of how you should respond to the email. For example, you get an email that says “Can you please let me know if the budget has been approved for the business trip?” Note the question mark, it means I am asking a question, hence the name of the punctuation. This indicates that a response is required. Please remember, not all emails will be like this. Some emails will have different words entirely. These still warrant a response. Sometimes an email will contain the words “please confirm you received this email.” This email requires a confirmation of receipt. You can just reply “confirmed” or “got it.” It’s pretty simple once you get the hang of it. Hopefully, you’ll get the hang of it one of these days.

Work Appropriate Answer: I communicate well and respond to queries in a thorough and timely manner.

Overall, how would you rate your performance this year?

Your Answer: This place would crumble without me and you all know it. The second I quit, you’re fucked.

Work Appropriate Answer: I have the utmost confidence in myself, but I have more confidence in the leadership of this company.

Do you feel that you deserve a raise?

Your Answer: Yes.

Work Appropriate Answer: No.