Ugh! Bernie Sanders’ Medicare For All plan is just TOO good! Where does this guy get off inspiring a grassroots movement toward economic equality?

How dare Joe Biden be so down to earth! The way this guy connects with working-class voters makes me want to pull out my hair, which is not as well-styled as his.

Goddammit! If Andrew Yang says one more insightful thing about universal basic income, I swear to god I’m going to throw his campaign literature in people’s mailboxes.

I’m can’t stand the sound of Amy Klobuchar’s voice. Hearing her talk just reminds me of how much this country needs her $100 million plan for treating addiction and improving mental health care.

You’re sure as hell right Deval Patrick makes me sick. Sick with hope that he’ll place the same emphasis on repairing our nation’s crumbling infrastructure that he did as governor of Massachusetts.

Oh for fuck’s sake, Tom Steyer! Look at this goddamn billionaire walking the walk and advocating for a wealth tax.

Jesus fucking Christ, now Michael Bloomberg is running? Do we really want a president from New York City, where people really aren’t that different from the rest of us?

You know what I’d say to Pete Buttigieg? I’d tell him he can go right ahead and kiss my grandchild, right after I thank him for his service.

I punched a wall because of the wealth of experience Elizabeth Warren could bring to the presidency.

If Corey Booker ever came to this town spewing his ideas about closing the racial wealth gap, I’d gather up a bunch of my high school buddies, get some torches, and march right over to invite him to a luau to discuss them further.

They’re right, Tulsi Gabbard really is something. I’ve never seen a candidate do such a good job being an apologist for murderous dictators. She would be a real asset to any foreign government hoping to undermine the upcoming election. Who wants pie?