We’ve all been there. You found a new apartment right in the part of town you wanted, with a great view, and for cheap. Sure, when you went on the tour, the walls were bleeding and your reflection in the mirror had a few extra teeth, but what place doesn’t have a few quirks?
The haunted dolls and wailing screams of the dead are one thing, but the real problem is your friends. They don’t want to come to your dinner parties anymore because of a fear of being cursed. Don’t worry, we have you covered.
Start Doing Extreme Yoga
Last time you had a dinner party, all your friends saw your head turn around 360 degrees. Well, this is only weird for inflexible people. Next time, when you feel the possession taking hold, simply tell your friends that you’ve started taking extreme yoga classes that have made you more flexible than ever and that you want to show them what you can do now.
Now when you pop the bones of your shoulders out from their sockets and turn them around so you can scuttle across the floor like a spider, you will be met with confused clapping instead of horrified screaming.
Get Really Into Screamo
Tired of horrifying screams from the ghosts of tenets past ruining the appetizers of your lovely dinner party? Play horrifyingly loud screamo over top of it. Sure, your friends won’t be able to hear each other, but it’s not their party, so who cares. Plus, maybe your ghosts are huge metalheads, and they may join in.
Gaslight About the Mirror
The mirror introduces serious issues. You know the mirror, the one where your reflection is a twisted version of yourself trying to switch places with you so it can be free from its interdimensional prison. Every apartment has one. We used to suggest keeping the lights out in the bathroom, but we’ve received complaints that the room becomes a hotspot for disappearances that way.
You obviously can’t just get rid of the mirror. It brings the whole bathroom together, plus the demon inside always makes you feel great about your ass.
So, the answer comes down to the age-old technique of gaslighting. When your friends ask about it just remember these magic words: “What mirror?” If they persist throw in the line, “Sounds like you’ve had too much to drink.”
That should shut up your nosey friends.
Bleeding Walls or Art Piece?
In order for this to work, you’re going to need to tell all your friends and family that you’ve gone vegan. Then, when the walls start to bleed at 9:45 like they do every night, you will need to get on top of your coffee table in the middle of your apartment and tell them that the blood is representative of the blood of the animals they choose to eat.
They will be far too distracted by their own guilt to suspect that the blood is in fact human and that it is spelling out the name of who in the room is next to die.
Get Rid of the TV
Tell your friends you’ve gotten really into reading and that you no longer saw the need for a TV. They don’t need to know that the real reason you gave it to your neighbor was that you saw some sort of specter trying to claw its way out of the screen. Or that your neighbor is dead now. Or that you distinctly heard his voice joining into the chorus of the last screamo song.
With these simple tips, no one will suspect that you are secretly living in the entryway to the world of the damned. If you follow all of these steps and your friends still don’t want to hang out, then maybe they aren’t your real friends anyways.