Asset Allocation: How many COVID-19 pounds have been distributed on your ass.

Compound Interest: When you wonder if everyone else is going crazy in their “compound.”

Net Worth: Total amount of money you have leftover when you subtract all the COVID purchases you’ve made on Amazon from your bank account.

Rebalancing: Trying to correct the mistakes you made giving yourself a haircut.

Stock Options: What’s available in your pantry that can reasonably be made into a meal.

Bonds: Sexy time toys.

Time Value of Money: The amount of money you have to give your kids divided by the number of quiet time minutes you’ll get in return.

Inflation: Overeating.

Deferral: The kids took an electric shaver to the dog.

Sustainable Withdrawal Rate: Rationing your wine until you can get to the liquor store again.

EBITDA: Enquire Before Imbibing The Drinks, Asshole!

Collateral: A sideways pass of a cold beer.

Bottom Line: The line left on the couch when you leave to get more snacks from the kitchen.

Depreciation: Decreasing worth of your spouse and kids after eight months of lockdown. Usually a negative number.

Liability: The ability to lie about how much chardonnay you drank before noon.

Liquidity: How many glasses of wine Mommy will need before she can help with fifth grade math.

Fixed Asset: The size your ass will always be when this is over, no matter what you do.