Are you losing consciousness?

  1. You nodded off in a stall for a minute, but the sound of club music brought you back.
  2. You closed your eyes for the first time in weeks and instantly heard loud crying and someone saying, “Are you seriously pretending to sleep right now?!”

Have you hallucinated recently?

  1. Yes, you saw the face of God. She’s cool with your life choices.
  2. Yes, you’ve been having visions of the before time, where you were able to spontaneously go to a nice quiet restaurant. There was no screaming. No diapers. No little hands with razor nails clawing for your face. The cheesy smell wasn’t coming from your spit-up covered clothes but from your cacio e pepe. You take a long drink of wine only for reality to hit you like a freight train—another pacifier has been spit to the floor and you have to grab it before the dog does.

When’s the last time you showered?

  1. Before you left for the club.
  2. It was a week ago and it was to cover the sound of your sobs.

How much vomit do you have on you?

  1. A bit on your shoe, but someone yelled, “Boot and rally!” so it’s cool.
  2. It’s on your clothes, the bed, the walls, somehow it even got on the cat. You’ve got a pair of Capri pants picked out because you’re worried that vomit’s just going to flood the house.

Have you spent a significant amount of money lately?

  1. It’s all on more drugs!
  2. It’s all on diapers, formula, and something called an Oogiebear nose cleaner.

How productive are you?

  1. In the past 24 hours, you’ve written a screenplay, cleaned your kitchen, and combined ketchup and mustard into the same bottle.
  2. In the past 24 hours, you ordered delivery from McDonald's, Burger King, and KFC and are counting that as a win.

Have you considered cannibalism?

  1. Your roommate’s face does look kind of tasty.
  2. Who wouldn’t take a bite out of a chunky little thigh? They’re so CHONKY! I’m gonna eat them up. Yes, I am. I’m gonna eat those chunky thighs! I’m gonna gobble them up, nom-nom-nom-nom!

Mostly As: You’re high as a kite! Drink some water and try to get some sleep.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations you’re responsible for life! Drink some water and forget about sleep’s sweet embrace because you’re not going to feel that again for a long time.

Even split of As and Bs: Please seek help, babies and drugs don’t mix.