Are you losing consciousness?
- You nodded off in a stall for a minute, but the sound of club music brought you back.
- You closed your eyes for the first time in weeks and instantly heard loud crying and someone saying, “Are you seriously pretending to sleep right now?!”
Have you hallucinated recently?
- Yes, you saw the face of God. She’s cool with your life choices.
- Yes, you’ve been having visions of the before time, where you were able to spontaneously go to a nice quiet restaurant. There was no screaming. No diapers. No little hands with razor nails clawing for your face. The cheesy smell wasn’t coming from your spit-up covered clothes but from your cacio e pepe. You take a long drink of wine only for reality to hit you like a freight train—another pacifier has been spit to the floor and you have to grab it before the dog does.
When’s the last time you showered?
- Before you left for the club.
- It was a week ago and it was to cover the sound of your sobs.
How much vomit do you have on you?
- A bit on your shoe, but someone yelled, “Boot and rally!” so it’s cool.
- It’s on your clothes, the bed, the walls, somehow it even got on the cat. You’ve got a pair of Capri pants picked out because you’re worried that vomit’s just going to flood the house.
Have you spent a significant amount of money lately?
- It’s all on more drugs!
- It’s all on diapers, formula, and something called an Oogiebear nose cleaner.
How productive are you?
- In the past 24 hours, you’ve written a screenplay, cleaned your kitchen, and combined ketchup and mustard into the same bottle.
- In the past 24 hours, you ordered delivery from McDonald's, Burger King, and KFC and are counting that as a win.
Have you considered cannibalism?
- Your roommate’s face does look kind of tasty.
- Who wouldn’t take a bite out of a chunky little thigh? They’re so CHONKY! I’m gonna eat them up. Yes, I am. I’m gonna eat those chunky thighs! I’m gonna gobble them up, nom-nom-nom-nom!
Mostly As: You’re high as a kite! Drink some water and try to get some sleep.
Mostly Bs: Congratulations you’re responsible for life! Drink some water and forget about sleep’s sweet embrace because you’re not going to feel that again for a long time.
Even split of As and Bs: Please seek help, babies and drugs don’t mix.