Listen, I’ve enjoyed my job as a weather-predicting groundhog, but all this talk about how days don’t matter, time has no meaning, and we’re living in an interminable winter, has made me start to feel like predicting the beginning of spring is kind of pointless, you know?
Also, not to be too much of a bummer, but: global warming. How long is this job really going to last?
So as the world’s only psychic rodent (no matter what that bitch Stuart Little tries to tell you) I’ve decided to take my skills to greener pastures. Here are the many jobs for which I am now available for hire:
1. Bachelorette Party Psychic
Psychics are very popular at bachelorette parties. Plus, I’m already naked, so you get your psychic and your stripper all in one.
2. Stock Consultant
Honestly, this feels more helpful than predicting the end of winter anyway. But as per my previous notes on global warming, I suggest just putting all your money into solar panels and snorkels.
3. Tarot Card Reader You Drag Your Boyfriend To
Most tarot card readers try so hard to convince you they’re psychic. Not me. I know I’m psychic, I don’t need to prove it. Slip me a note with everything you want your boyfriend to improve, and I’ll tell him he’ll die if he doesn’t do it.
4. Murderer of Uncompromising Boyfriends
Not super experienced here but honestly no one is going to suspect a groundhog hitman. If we met through a tarot reading, you get 20% off.
5. Regular Groundhog
Maybe you just want someone to adorably forage around your garden for a while. People talk so much about my psychic skills that they forget I’m good at regular groundhogging shit too.
Right now you have old white dudes picking me up to tell them the weather, so they can tell you the weather. And they get paid more for it than I do too. Let's cut out the middleman: I can be a solo weatherman, and we can take the patriarchy down a peg.
7. Instagram Influencer
I’m already famous, fuck it, I’ll shill for bills. What’s Manscaped? I see a lot of influencers hocking that. Is that something woodchuck-appropriate?
8. Cameo Celebrity
For $200 I’ll make a personalized message telling your friend winter ends on their birthday. The video will be slightly too long, so everyone watching it has to smile and nod awkwardly for two minutes. Everyone hates it and it is EXTREMELY popular.
9. Beaver Spy
Want to know what river is about to be dammed? Send me in. This is admittedly a niche position but I’ve never trusted those fuckers and if you glue a trucker flap to my ass I can 100% pass as one.
10. Hockey Mascot
Everyone’s losing their mind over Gritty, who is, I assume, some sort of orange carpet monster. I can do way better than Gritty. How do people love him? He looks like if Garfield fucked Cousin It. Plus I already have the whole winter association, so this is a perfect fit. If you’re unsure about how to get rid of Gritty, I’m still available for #4.