We’ve had it up to here with Nathan and his bullshit, so maybe these new rules will teach him and all his shit-kicker friends that the Elkhaven Rec Center Aquatics Staff is not to be fucked with.

No drinking Mountain Dew like 20 minutes before you come to the pool.

Mrs. Hunt, you can’t just keep doing this and then leaving Nathan under our jurisdiction to tire himself out.

No fast walking on the pool deck and then saying, “I’m not running, I’m fast-walking,” when we tell you to stop running.

The lifeguards have radar guns now and if we clock you at more than three miles per hour, YOU’RE GONE.

No getting the railings on the diving board all sticky after eating ice cream.

In fact, we just cut off the railings. No more railings. Guess you’ll fall.

No dunking (unless you’re dunking Nathan).

We will not budge on this one.

No jumping in the pool and then immediately getting out, rolling around in the grass until you’re green from head to toe, and then telling the younger kids that you’ll eat them if they don’t give you their cheese fries.

Plus they’re starting to realize you won’t actually eat them.

No more pretending to drown just so you can spit in the lifeguard's mouth when they give you CPR.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirteen times over the course of two summers… YOU’RE GONE.

You gotta stay at least five feet away from the jets from now on.

Come on guy, you got a left arm. Use it.

Everybody else can do backflips off the diving board now, except for Nathan.

If I see anything more than a pencil dive, I’m blowing the whistle.

From now on, we’re only letting Nathan in the pool for twenty minutes at a time.

Fifteen on weekends.

Fuck it, no more Nathan.

Who are we kidding? He’s not gonna follow any of these rules anyway. From now on if you even look like Nathan, YOU’RE GONE.