1. “The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a lion.” (Revelation 13:2)

This is an obvious reference to Ryan Reynolds' dashing good looks. I’m not sure about you, but a leopard with bear feet and a lion's mouth sounds fucking awesome (and devilishly attractive).

2. “One of the heads of the beast seemed to have had a fatal wound, but the fatal wound had been healed. The whole world was filled with wonder and followed the beast.” (Revelation 13:3)

Who do you know that isn’t in awe and oddly fascinated by Ryan Reynolds? I, for one, would gladly walk into Hell, backwards, following Ryan’s lead.

The “fatal wound” is in reference to Green Lantern (2011) for obvious reasons.

3. “The beast was given a mouth to utter proud words and blasphemies and to exercise its authority” (Revelation 13:5)

This is a reference to Ryan’s brilliant tweets that seem to pour just so naturally from his mind. A true literary genius and bold in his blasphemous comedy.

4. “Then I saw a second beast, coming out of the earth. It had two horns like a lamb, but it spoke like a dragon. It exercised all the authority of the first beast on its behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast, whose fatal wound had been healed.” (Revelation 13:11-12)

This is in reference to Hugh Jackman. Of course, they were “feuding” online, but this brought so much attention to Ryan and made Aviation Gin sales skyrocket. Besides: where would Hugh Jackman be without Ryan Reynolds?

5. “And it performed great signs, even causing fire to come down from heaven to the earth in full view of the people.” (Revelation 13:13)

This is a metaphor for all of the non-profit organizations headed by Ryan Reynolds. Run For Anything putting younger people into political offices and The Group Effort Initiative helping grow diversity in the production industry? Sounds like the positive hellfire we need to rain down on today’s society.

6. “…Let the person who has insight calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. That number is 666.” (Revelation 13:18)

Well, I consider myself a pretty insightful person, so let’s give it a shot:

Ryan Has 19.7 million Twitter followers. So 19,700,000 divided by the number of tweets he’s made at the time of writing, 3,002, is 6,562. 6,562 plus his “Star Score” in 2016 (The year everything went so wrong for the world, yet so right for Ryan), 118, is 6,680. That minus the movies during the “Dark Times” (Post-Green Lantern, Pre-Deadpool), 14, is 6,667. Also take away one for the reason he made it this far, Blake Lively, down to 6,660. And finally divide that by the number I rate him, on a scale from 1-10, and you get 666.

I rest my case.


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