1. Mr. Fix-It – A precise mixture of way too much WD-40, brake fluid, and gasoline create an enticing scent. Boisterous, rough around the edges, and perfect for that hard-working man who can’t live without that “just winterized my car” scent. Additionally, the label is coated with a thin layer of grease which is unusually difficult to wash off.
2. Blue Collar Caress – Overly dusty drywall, fresh cut lumber, and an equal mix of paint and plumber’s putty will make you feel like you never left the worksite. Sold by the hour; price doubles on Sundays/holidays.
3. Rubber Mat – A bursting blend of three popular styles: steel plates, sweat, and a splash of arrogance reminiscent of your favorite gym where you just hit a PR for your deadlift. When finished, doubles as a water bottle.
4. Camping Dreams – Musty tent, dirt, campfire, and mosquito flirt with outhouse to produce a nose-tingling, straight-from-the-woods fragrance that showcases your rugged lifestyle. Can only be lit with two small sticks (provided).
5. Ferrari Fantasy – A unique blend of Italian leather, capped teeth, micropenis, and snobbiness that will render you speechless. Ever smell the inside of a Ferrari? Be one of the lucky few who have. Non-refundable. Any repairs must be handled by our foreign candle specialist available one weekend per month.
6. Uncle’s Roommate – Skunky with a touch of eye-watering unwashed feet and Birkenstocks mixed with a healthy blend of generic incense come together to provide you with a glimpse into some alternative economic lifestyles. Sold as is.
7. Craft Brew Connoisseur – Overpriced and pretentious bitterness will invade your nostrils with a mix of rare hops, warehouse cleaning solution, and the slightest hint of urine. It’ll transport you smack in the middle of your favorite brewery tucked away in a hard-to-find industrial area. Produced in small batches once every six months.
8. Nice Threads – Unbelievably expensive silk, wool, cashmere, and velvet combine with the cockiness of Ivy League graduate to create one of the most sought after, yet hard to pin down eligible bachelor scents. Sold exclusively by invitation.
9. Backseat Steam – Worn upholstery, sophisticated notes of kiosk perfume, cheap cologne, and 14K gold plated necklace that delivers a mouth-watering blend of teenage horniness that will take you back to those awkward, yet beautiful moments of youth. 18 and over only.
10. Janet’s Pillow – Fresh from the upstairs room of the window you peered through as a high schooler that you could see from the tree you’d climb on Friday nights, this magnificent blend of bubble gum, department store hairspray, and strawberries will make you feel like she’s in the sights of your binoculars again. Subject to local state age of consent laws.
11. Lacrosse Scholarship – Currently discontinued.