Pure-grade quality, hypoallergenic, paraben- and narcotic-free.

Get clean! But first, experiment with our baby shampoo.

No tears. No withdrawal. Just suds.

Your child will no longer feel any pain. In their eyes, when this hits their eyes, we mean. We make no claims on any other pain, emotional or physical.

Committed to healthy development from cradle to rehab—our tear-free shampoo gently cleans baby after messy meals, scrubs the dirt off those kids' soccer cleats, washes away the pain of that first college heartbreak, cleans up the mess of confusion after succumbing to peer pressure and trying that first Oxy, rinses out the shame of relentless addiction and relapse, lathers away the grime from sleeping under a bridge in a homeless tent city after committing to the addict lifestyle, cleanses away that pesky institutional rehab smell, and lovingly massages away the combined devastation and relief when your now-adult child moves back home to start over and rebuild a life decimated by opiates. Enabling a healthy future for all!

Once you start washing your child’s hair, you won’t be able to stop!

“Always do the right thing for everyone” is our credo, and by “do the right thing,” we mean study a profitable sector in the opiate market, engineer a super-poppy for maximum potency, ignore that persistent voice in your head that refuses to see the gray in what the “right” thing is, get really good at ignoring that same voice when millions die from an escalating drug crisis fueled by your super-poppy, hire the most expensive lawyers money can buy, refuse to settle, litigate like a pro, lose and face a charge of half a billion, and spin paying that charge back to where it all starts: doing the right thing!

More gentle than Fentanyl.

Just as your 6-year old son Finn playfully rolled around in the mud with your cocker spaniel Spencer and now needs a sudsy bath, we too will clean up the mud from our joyful romp with gardening poppies in the Tasmanian countryside. Like Finn and Spencer, we're all about good, clean fun!

Oopsie-daisy, sorry for your family’s overdose! That definitely complicates our “no more tears” promise.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.