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Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.

Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.

There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”

“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?