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Me: If memory serves me correctly
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.

If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.

Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.

A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.

If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?

Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?

What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?

Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”

There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.

What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”

For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?

Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.