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I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.

They say live your life like it’s your last day on earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.

When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.

Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?

I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Yesterday!

What's the punctuation you're supposed to use to end a statement? No that's not it

A genie's biggest fear has got to be a lava lamp.

I knew this failed sculpture—huge chip on his shoulder.

There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.

Non sequitur? I hardly know her.

I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.

It's not my fault I say dumb things. It's in my D&A.

A small centaur can have two ponytails.

Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.

If you ever show your friends a picture of your crush, and you have to say, “Let me find a better picture of them,” it means they're ugly.

LOST: Maze builder. Last seen on way to work.

People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.

“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.

If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.