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🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵

Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.

Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.

It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.

Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.

Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.

If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”

I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.

Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.

I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.

It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.

Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”

I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.

What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?

You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.