The most recent one-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke

Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.

Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.

I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.

I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.

My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.

I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.

My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)

Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.

Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.

I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.

The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe

The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.

I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.

I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.

Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.

I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.

Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?

I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.