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I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.

Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.

Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”

People refer to us as a spiritual couple but I think they just mean poor.

Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.

I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.

I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.

Groundhog Day means six more weeks of winter. Ground Beef Week means we’re eating like kings.

Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.

I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.

My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.

The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.

Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.

Strong passwords must exercise regularly to maintain their strength.

In the joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” the chicken did intend to do so, but unfortunately met a car and crossed over to the “other” side.

When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I meant better for myself.

Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.

“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”

“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective