I have the wonderful and unique opportunity to work closely with a number of people of various heritages and from countless countries around the world. Inevitably, when talking with a diverse group of people, the conversation often steers itself toward the differences or observations these people have made about the American way of life and our culture or lack thereof. Whether it's politics, cuisine, attitude, or history, one way or another the same question always arises: "Why are Americans so rude?" I think it's time I shed some light on this by answering their question once and for all.

Here are the top five reasons Americans are so rude.

5. Our Food Sucks

News flash people: If you find Americans rude, then maybe it's because you came to our house and behaved inappropriately! Every foreigner I've ever met has told me that American food is terrible and theirs is so much better. The United States has this uncanny way of taking food from other countries and completely changing it to suit its own tastes. The idea of a country adopting a cuisine and trying to make it its own is terrible, and has never been done before, anywhere. It certainly didn't work for rice and pasta, which as we all know are STILL only found in China, and it's an insult for us to have the nerve to try such a thing.

Since America is a melting pot of just about every culture on the planet, I can absolutely understand how it's hard to find anything to eat around here that resembles anything you have at home. In fact, American food sucks so much that when I travel, I make it a point to try all kinds of new things and embrace the cuisines of the countries I visit. So I can totally see why you would travel here, to live and work, but complain about the food and want it exactly the way you have it at home. In fact, with all the great food you have abroad, I don't understand why you would even leave your country/house in the first place, let alone come here, where we hardly have ANYTHING to eat at all.

The reason we are so rude is that we are constantly reminded how much our food sucks—and obviously, having nothing good to eat makes everyone irritable. It's a wonder you guys don't just open up your own authentic restaurants here and show us what good food really is. If yours is SO great then I'm sure you will have no trouble maintaining its authenticity while also turning a profit. I would be a loyal costumer for sure, but only if it's authentic food according to your high standards. Don't sell out your culture just to turn a profit, because that's been done before and clearly no one respects that in any way, plus it makes everyone judgmental and rude.

US Food Pyramid
All this food is fake and completely inedible, please go somewhere else.

4. We Don't Have Much History

Let's face it, the United States is less than 300 years old, and it's well known that every other country on the planet has been here since the big bang. What's worse, we actually took this country by force and are the only people to have the despicable gall to attempt this, throughout all of history. I mean, that has never been done before and it has never been done again since, so I can understand why you guys don't really like us but totally get along with each other.

Ships sailing to America
Who needs a land bridge when you have a boat?!
I think the main issue here is that America only elects its leaders by a unanimous vote, therefore we are all 100% responsible for any atrocities committed by our country, regardless of what leader caused them or when. Admittedly, this leaves us a little grouchy when one of us pulls a dick move which the rest of us have to answer for globally. Furthermore, we have to answer for every past atrocity in present time, no matter how much actual time passes.

To be honest, we are all a little envious of the rest of you, since you guys are able to just blame past atrocities on war mongering politicians of yesteryear or genocidal leaders of old. Unfortunately, we as Americans don't have that luxury and must answer for everything that any other American in "history" has ever done, regardless of who did it or how long ago it happened. This is totally our fault too, especially since we closed our borders to ALL immigration back in 1776 and have operated as a giant collective consciousness ever since, agreeing with EVERY SINGLE THING any of our unanimously elected officials do in the way of foreign or domestic policy. The upside though, is that because we are all exactly the same people/person we were hundreds of years ago (and there hasn't been ANY immigration since), we can each easily trace our lineage, which I know is very important to you all.

3. We Have No Culture

McDonald's flag being hoisted in World War II.
I seem to remember, not so long ago, our culture saved yours.
Like I said, America is a melting pot of each and every culture on the planet, which means that we clearly don't have any culture whatsoever. In fact, I want to personally thank all of you who came here, leaving all of your cultures completely behind. Your sacrifice has kept this nation completely uniform and identical from coast to coast, making it really easy for us all to agree on everything.

Having no "valid" history to speak of and no "authentic" food to eat also really helps in maintaining a complete culture-sucking vortex of a nation, which America is so well known for. I mean, think about what would happen if all of you had brought that culture here with you when you came. Eventually the entire nation would be so culturally diverse that none of us would be able to agree on anything at all! Think about how hard it would be for the rest of the world to understand when one group of people did something that another group of people, in the same country, completely disagreed with. If that happened, each of us as individuals would lose all our global accountability as a nation and the rest of the world would have to stop lumping us together into one giant collective consciousness. Do you know how terribly inconvenient that would be, for the rest of the world, to see and understand that much diversity and culture within one nation? No, it is much better that the world doesn't have to deal with so much diversity in one location and can keep the entire nation culpable for its leaders' decisions and actions, or lack thereof.

I think what the world sees as rude, is really just a collective conscious, speaking uniformly all at once, for the actions of a nation where we all unanimously agree. I mean look at New York City, clearly the most uniform city in the world, as anyone living there can attest. They are globally recognized as the rudest city on the planet and I for one am certain it is because they are all the same people, speaking as one, due to a complete lack of culture.

2. We Have No Real Language

One of the things most often misunderstood about America is how it communicates with people from other parts of the world. You see, because we are so ubiquitously uniform and lack any real culture, history, or food, we also lack any "real" language. As opposed to all the other countries of the world who have unique languages (invented from scratch with no common historical ties), we had to grotesquely incorporate other languages into one. You can imagine that with no real history or culture to draw on, this was quite a challenge for us to say the least. We basically had to invent something completely different, out of something that already existed, and then somehow make it our own. Like some of the other things I've mentioned in this article, this has never before been done, in any other country, which I imagine is why it is difficult for the rest of the world to embrace.

Our language is unique in that it is the only one of its kind derived from another similar language, but with changes made to certain words in both spelling and pronunciation. It has its own "cultural" idioms and "historical" phrases, which are completely confusing due to our complete lack of culture and history, which is probably why there are so many misunderstanding with people from other nations. Essentially, everything we say is wrong, because it isn't communicated the same way in your language back home and we didn't take the time to learn yours before you came here.

I mean, I know how rude Americans are in that we go to other countries and don't bother to become completely fluent in the language before getting there, yet we expect you to understand us perfectly. So I can totally understand when you come here and we sound different to you, how that is equally as upsetting, since we AGAIN didn't bother to become completely fluent in YOUR language before you got here. Especially since our language is not even "real" in any way, shape, or form, while yours is completely valid and authentic. To compound matters, we even have different accents across the nation and say things completely differently from one region to the next, which isn't done anywhere else in the world.

Map of different language dialects in America
Dialect Map of American English (Hawaiian and Alaskan dialects not shown)

1. Our Rude House Guests

By far the number one reason that Americans are so rude is because we are constantly plagued by really rude house guests. Everyone knows someone who shows up at their house either graciously invited or completely unannounced, who ends up behaving completely inappropriately while they are at your place. They eat your food while complaining about the quality of it. They squat on your couch but get ornery if you ask them to contribute. They leave a big mess and expect other people to clean it up. They steal stuff when they leave, because they have less than you. Worst of all, they blatantly criticize you to your face the entire time they are there as YOUR house guest.

Map of US with faces
Lacking any "real" culture since 1776.
Sound familiar? Well it should, because I just described the vast majority of people who come to this country in search of a better life, or even those who just stop by for a visit. I work with people from a wide assortment of nationalities who are also some of the most educated scientific minds on the planet. I can say, hands down, that they ALL have one thing in common: they are the rudest guests I have ever known. I love and embrace cultural diversity, but you people are giving your countries a bad name. I would NEVER show up at someone else's doorstep and tell them that they have no culture, history, palatable food, or criticize the way they speak or do things in their house. That is the very definition of rude behavior which understandably would make the person who actually lives there respond in kind.

News flash people: If you find Americans rude, then maybe it's because you came to our house and behaved inappropriately! You are no better than us and it's time you got off your high horse and took a look around you. No one has "authentic" food, not even you! There is no minimum time stamp on history and don't you dare judge us for atrocities you have also historically committed, you reverse ageist. Culture isn't defined by how unique it is, because last time I checked there were very few completely isolated and culturally uninfluenced countries on this planet, you elitist snob.

US flag with Statue of Liberty
By the way, that statue is French and we happen to love it!
Oh and if you're having trouble understanding what I'm saying or why I'm being so rude now, then maybe it's because you were too busy being rude yourself, by pointing out all our faults and being disrespectful during your stay here, to learn how sarcastic we are. For someone who claims to understand so many different language subtleties, it's a wonder you never picked up on the subtle irony of being rude and disrespectful, while telling others they are rude and disrespectful.

Fortunately, if you don't like it here, you're free to leave whenever you want! Otherwise, try and embrace something different, eat what's served to you, be respectful to your host, and show some gratitude for the opportunities you've been given! I'm pretty sure that is a globally recognized, universal standard of how to act when you are out in the world.

Welcome to America; we may do things a little differently than you…or maybe not so much. Mi casa es su casa!