So I've been out of the whole schooling business for just about a half year now. Should've been a year and a half; unfortunately, I couldn't find a job after senior year, so I did the traditional yuppie white people thing and got a master's degree that has neither any relevance to my work now, nor any job I ever anticipate undertaking in the course of my life. Anyway, that's neither here nor there, and two sentences in is too early for tangents, so back on track we go.

Empty toilet paper roll on in the bathroom
Who can hold their next shit the longest?
I currently reside in a four bedroom apartment in San Francisco with three other roommates. I've never lived in a city before, and this place really runs counter to my suburban ideology that you should drive to, well, everything. The inherent limitations of city driving are somewhat offset by awesome stuff like the fact that I can get my pot delivered, but they nonetheless make running basic errands far more inconvenient than they used to be.

Thus, my roommates and I have ended up in a de facto game of toilet paper chicken. If you haven't put it together yet, this means that we wait until the last possible second to get toilet paper, each hoping that one of the other three will do it. This brings an air of constant excitement to the daily task that is pooping (and you thought your bowel movements were as enthralling as they could be already).

Of course, there are plenty of ways to spice up your day to day life, and since I'd hate to break from PIC's longtime favorite format, here's a (very short) list of them!

Trash Can Jenga

Overflowing trash can stacked highLet's be honest here for a minute—you don't want to take out the trash. Neither do your roommates. Why not turn your laziness into a game of skill?

The rules are simple. Put your trash in the trash can. When the trash can is full, stack your trash on top of what's already there. When the trash is overflowing, keep stacking your trash as carefully as you can. When you try to fit that empty plastic vodka bottle on top and the whole thing collapses, you clean it all up, take it out to the dumpster, and the game begins anew.

If only you'd recycled.

DVR Roulette

Unless you're like my mom, living in the past and using a VCR to tape 60 Minutes, you probably own a DVR. If your DVR is anything like mine, it was given to you by a wretched, soulless cable company whose business model is: 1. Don't answer the customer service line, and 2. Collect checks from suckers. It also has some ridiculously minimal amount of space and only allows you to DVR two shows at a time. If there are more than two of you sharing it (possible) and/or all of you are too lazy to ever erase any shows until the thing's completely full, at which point you make space for exactly two more episodes (almost certain), you're probably already playing DVR roulette.

There are no specific rules to this game, it's more like an informal declaration of war confined to the battlefield of the DVR. Basic strategies include switching what the DVR is recording and deleting your roommates' shows before they can watch them. For those of you who are more advanced, try setting the DVR to record everything for several hours before your roommate's favorite show, so even though he's sure he left enough space for the program, he comes home to find it filled with episodes of Lockdown and Pawn Stars. Alternatively, just record nothing but softcore porn, though that may just make everybody a winner.


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