Dear Warren,

Why don't you go fuck yourself. How dare you sit in your ivory tower trying to give me advice on what to do with my money. While not all of us may have been born with the talent to build fortunes from scratch, I pride myself on being very good at what I do. You see, I'm a super villain, and without giving too much away, I can tell you that I've been responsible for two "natural" disasters and one successful presidential run (not Barack's; too expensive) in the last three years. So how about you take a step back before something bad happens, okay grandpa?

Warren Buffett salutes the rich peopleYou ask for a "shared sacrifice" from the ultra-rich, and that's very cute in theory, but I have an army to equip and a lair to furnish. What do you expect me to do, give back my riches and move this fortress to Detroit? That may be cheaper, but "attack canaries" don't instill the same fear in the hearts of my enemies. Have you ever considered that I enjoy my money just as much, if not more, than your precious middle class? I take care of it Warren! Look at how high my credit rating is, while the average peasant's is lower than your ball sack.

You think many of the mega-rich are very decent people, but you forgot to include the ultra-mega-rich like me, who are also ultra-mega-douchebags.Last year my federal tax bill was $6,166,376, which may not seem too high to you, but I feel that it could be lower. Way lower, like nonexistent. I'm not feeling the recession, but I definitely don't want to start now. A recession may be bad news for you, but here's some math that you'll be able to understand without the aid of an abacus: high unemployment + low employment confidence = a surplus of henchmen. Do you know how difficult it is to find good peons in a good economy, when everyone is full of self-esteem? I haven't hit numbers like this since '99! In fact, I've been able to rape twice as many acres of foreign soil this year thanks to all the extra manpower. 

Your main problem seems to be with people who make money from money, which means that you and I have no beef. I make my money off evil schemes, manipulating the stock market, and white slavery, but I haven't been in the business of printing money for years. That's what you meant, right?

You think many of the mega-rich are very decent people, but you forgot to include the ultra-mega-rich like me, who are also ultra-mega-douchebags. One doesn't simply become a super villain by sitting around signing "Giving Pledges" and participating in philanthropy all day. You gotta crack some skulls if you want to make an omelette.

You may think it's my duty to give back to the country, but what if you're wrong? What if the only way to get rid of the economic problem is by getting rid of the burden? I know you're probably not interested, but I've been working on something called an "Impoverished Impaler." 

Why don't you stop by my lair after you're done getting your vagina reupholstered and signing all your pledges?

Unnamed Location